The "Sermon" Events

Sermon : (taken from The Sage English Dictionary and Thesaurus)
A moralistic rebuke.
An address of a religious nature (usually delivered during a church service).

As a bored youth would describe it, its when the priest tells all "ye faithful and holy" gathered in the church, not to sin and "why" not to sin (one of the major reasons being, getting thrown into Lucifer's paradise).

What annoys me most about these sermons, is not their unnecessary length, breadth, width, height, volume and content, but the pathetic attitude of the people towards them. Now I agree that one cannot compare a sermon to a hot steamy stage performance by Keira Knightley, but people are shameless enough to show that they are bored.

Here's a list of events that 'coincidently' begin with the sermon, and their effect on the rest of congregation attending mass: (and then of course, my sermon and punishment)

1. A cell phone beeps -

Result: Every idiot who refuses to keep his cellphone on silent begins to dig into his bag / purse / pocket / God knows where else, only to realize that his cellphone wasn't the culprit.

Dude, don't you know what your cellphone sounds like? Its your cellphone, not your kid, that its gonna discover a new sound every mass to trumpet out loud! Do you even know how to switch it on silent? I don't find any reason sufficiently urgent (except for your wife being in labor, in which case, you should be with her in the hospital and not disturbing everyone else's religious experience at church) that deserves your cellphone to be on and singing with perfect timing.

Punishment: Such people deserve to be humiliated before the church and thrown out (baring those 'rare' occasions when the cellphone was accidentally left on "loud profile"). If you're so very keen on receiving calls and messages during mass, stand out. There will be loads of people to keep you company. And if you have a problem with standing, get your own chair when you leave your house the next time.


2. Crying babies -

Result: Everyone turns around to sympathize with the mother and cheer the baby up.

I really can't figure out the secret behind this tactical move by the parents. How, exactly, do they manage to get their kids to cry, just as the sermon begins? Do they train their kids? I mean, it should be quite an achievement to get kids to decode such complicated commands, when they seem to be complete;y unfamiliar with the concept of "shut-up".

Punishment: Who the hell allows these people in anyway? They should be stopped at the gate (preferably, with a "pets and kids below 3 not allowed" board that I am willing to sponsor), made to turn around and march home. I'm surprised that it hasn't struck any of the priests to inform these 'parents' that they can leave their kids home, but please spare us the free symphony.


3. Running around 5 years olds -
They run around everything - between rows, between tall wooden columns, between benches, chairs, people and even the stray dog that strayed in. If you're lucky enough, you might even get to see one of their excellent pole dance performances.

Why let these li'l bundles of joy lose, just as the sermon begins? WHY? Do they have a severe backache problem that denies them the pleasure of sitting through a 10 minute sermon? Have they been watching too much of the Roadrunner show? Can't you just hold on to them for a while? The very fact that you haven't lost them, proves that you are capable of keeping them under control while outdoors.

Punishment: So you never leave home without your 5 year old roadrunner. Thats not a problem. You wanna get him to church too? Thats not a problem either. The church will soon be starting a short program for kids between 4 years to 6 years. The program will include basic training to recognize commands such as - sit, stay, stand, QUIET and as a bonus introductory offer, roll over and play dead. The program will extend over three weekends, and certificates will be given to the children passing successfully. However, those who fail to clear the test, will be given two options - give a re-exam or get a leash.
By the way, mommies with the talented pole-dancers, please keep a close eye on what your husbands watch after midnight...

4. Cough & Sneeze Symphony -
One cough is all it takes. Result: The rest of the bandwagon follows, more than willingly! A member or two who find the cough symphony monotonous, throw in a sneeze (darn these music lovers!). Be warned, these are not ordinary harmless coughs. This well planned conspiracy has existed for more than a decade and still continues to have the desired effect.

Punishment: Since you have such an impressive musical talent that you avoid to display at all other times besides the sermon, you get to be part of the church choir! Yes sir ee! The church has found a permanent solution to your bad throat. We're replacing the musical instruments with YOU. We're really looking forward to you coughing up a few good notes. Punishment ends when the sermon offender is completely cured. We expect most patients to have a quick recovery.

Conclusion:
As most of my "subtle solutions" might not be taken seriously by the church, I guess I will have to put up with the regular performances during every mass sermon. But all that is gonna change once I become the ruler of this planet.
(muhuhahahahahaha!)