Insight Out

Dear Author Impersonating A Spanish Tomato,

2011-09-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

(in response to A Letter to All Indians from a Spanish Tomato & Second Letter to All Indians from a Spanish Tomato)

Please do not assume that you know what India and what everyIndian is about. We are well aware of our situation regarding poverty,starvation, farmer suicides and the scores of problems that plague our nation and our people.

From your letter, it seems that you might be in dire need of alesson or two when it comes to politeness. Your letter addresses an entirenation. Do show some respect. Writing as a 'mere tomato' is no excuse for being impolite and disrespectful to a people you barely know. A few Indians may be hell-bent on aping the west tojump onto the supposedly “cool” bandwagon, but don’t toss us all in with a fewbad apples. Don’t you think you’ve crossed a line by questioning each and everyIndian’s sanity, other than yourself (if you are an Indian, as I dared assume from some of your previous posts)?

Is it illegal for “us Indians” as you address us, to showany interest in Spain or do you consider Spain unworthy of any other nation’sinterest, unless there are some “deals” involved. I’m sure most of Spain wouldbeg to differ. Just so you know, Bollywood has shot movies in Greece, Australia,America and London too, without being accused of any underlyingpolitical deals.

“Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara” is just one movie. Rather, it is anextremely long Spanish tourism commercial, as some would say. Many, however,have looked down upon the “La Tomatina” and the “bull run” scenes. Yes, some of“us Indians” have a problem with the bull-run too. Who’d have thought?

I don’t see what shopping malls and beggars have to dowith the festival. Sure poverty is a problem, but that doesn’t mean that the “rich”have to forgo every pleasure until every Indian is in a position to celebrateto his heart’s content or sleep with a content belly. That day will never come, notfor India, nor any other country. It’s plain, simple logic. Everyone has tomake sacrifices to manage to live within their means.

It may come to you as a great surprise, but “quite a few” Indians are rich andwe can afford to shop at malls. Yes, it’s true. The people who beg along thestreets don’t hold it against the mall-goers, why do you? Frankly, you have noright to judge where the people of Bangalore, Delhi or any other Indian city, shop.

Do you know why Anna Hazare was fasting? Do you know howmany hundreds, no not hundreds, thousands of Indians supported him? To make one point extremely clear, Anna Hazarewas not fasting to drill sense into us. He did not need to drill sense into us.He led a movement against the government which conveniently turned a blind eye towards rampant corruption.He fasted so that a strong bill could be passed in the parliament that wouldhelp curb corruption all over the country. “We Indians” supported himwholeheartedly, including movie stars, some politicians (who might have had questionable agendas), activists and scores of regularpeople.

Your second letter takes the cake. First you insult Indians,later you congratulate the same Indians and then you insult us some more. Youasked us why this idea interested us at all in the first place. It’s probablybecause “some” (please pay special attention to the word “some” as you tend toassume all Indians are crazy) wannabes thought it would be a good idea, just as“some” people in Spain thought that (quoting you) “throwing food at each other”is a fun idea.

I’m quite surprised that you have managed to come to aconclusion about an entire nation’s food wastage situation by attending a certain number of social gatherings. People who heap their plates with the sole intention ofwasting the food that they have served themselves are mentally sick. Although,I doubt the ladies in question attended the wedding with such evil intentions,I can’t say anything for sure since you were the one present there, closelymonitoring what they ate and what they didn’t, eavesdropping on theirconversations, I’m sure, for research purposes.

We don’t have food to waste at festivals, lunches anddinners. I'm fortunate enough to have family, relatives, friends and neighbors who are as sensitive to the food wastage situation as any other responsible Indian citizen. We’re regular citizens of India, referred to as ‘the middle class’, ‘thelower middle class’ and ‘the poor’, who put together, form more than 70% ofthis nation. I can think of three reasons why you wouldn’t know this, about "us Indians" –

1. You have bothered to interact only with a rarebrand of pigheaded rich folk who seem to perform food wastage as a regularritual,

2. Your only experience with any Indian celebration hasbeen the big, fat wedding that you have mentioned in your letter,

3. You have the misfortune of having encountered only thenegative side of India, which seems quite impossible.

You have a problem with us boycotting a “branded foodfight festival” because we haven’t been able to solve the problem of foodwastage in other situations. Are we not allowed to nip a problem in the budbefore solving other related problems? Is there a particular chronologicalorder in which the problems of a nation must be solved?

Activists do as much as they can. They may take up theissue about food wastage at weddings, or they may not. They may take up the issueregarding food being left to rot in government warehouses, or they may not.They may fight for the cause of our farmers, or they may not. None of themare answerable to you. They are doing enough for their country. You on theother hand, are busy pointing fingers at what they have not achieved. Isn’tthat convenient!

You have the audacity to call us hypocrites. Not just ahandful of Indians that you claim to know, nor a particular community that youhave had a bad experience with, no - you have assumed that each and every Indian isa hypocrite, based on your in-depth research. It isn’t part of our culture towaste food. Just because some Indians are guilty of such an unforgivable crime,it doesn’t mean that it changes what we have been taught, what we believe in and what has beenengraved into the very foundation of our culture you question. To the rest of “us Indians”, wastageof food is as big a crime as it might be to you, or even bigger. Indians whoare eager enough to participate in the La Tomatina Festival will flock toSpain. There is no stopping them. Every Indian is not rushing to the airport asyou pass judgment and hurl accusations.

I haven’t heard of any activist asking that the LaTomatina festival be banned over women running around in hot pants. We havewater parks and beaches in India where women are free to walk around inbikinis. You can see a number of women going to discotheques and parties inmuch shorter and skimpier clothes than what Katrina Kaif wore in Zindagi Na MilegiDobara. India will always suffer from a small bunch of lunatics who take moralpolicing into their own hands. I don’t see how that makes all of us hypocrites.

You have labeled an entire nation crazy and called every Indian a hypocrite based on a part of India that you have interacted with, before jumping to an extremely hurtful conclusion. We have successfully banned the La Tomatina festival in Delhi, Mysore,Bangalore and hopefully, in Mumbai too. Spain still celebrates the La Tomatinafestival. We do not approve of it but we don’t judge Spain either.

An entire nation should not be judged based on the actions of a few, just as a blogger should not be judged by two unreasonable, impolite posts addressed to an entire nation, more than half of which the blogger has yet to meet.

- From,
Your Average Indian Citizen

The Taste of Anything

2010-11-16T08:52:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest urges I have to fight when I step out the house is waltzing blindly into a fast food joint and waltzing out a few kilos healthier. My figure doesn’t top my list of worries. I’m more concerned about my heart pulling off a Cartman and going “screw you guys, I’m going home” and storming out someday. Thanks to living in a broadminded, rich and secure city like Mumbai, my worries are limited to dodging speeding luxury cars, watching my weight, wondering what to wear to church, what junk food to give in to occasionally, so on and so forth.

Just as I am drowning in my food fantasies, a corner of my mind bleeds with guilt.

4th November, 2010 marked the 10th anniversary of one the nation’s longest and most peaceful struggles for human rights. Irom Sharmila has been fasting for 10 years now, fighting for the rights of her Indian brothers to live.

The Armed Forces Special Powers Act, 1958 (its that old, they have been suffering in this war like state for more than 50 years now!) has been criticized by the United Nations as well various human rights’ organizations all over the country. Navanethem Pillay, the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights described the Act as “dated and colonial-era law that breach contemporary international human rights standards”. Honestly, I don’t see why such a law should have existed in any era, let alone in this day and age. If you just glance at the ‘freedom’ and impunity these laws grant the authorities, you should be shaken to the very core of your soul, if you are still human. This one in particular, makes absolutely no sense at all:

To arrest without a warrant and with the use of "necessary" force anyone who has committed certain offenses or is suspected of having done so.

“OR IS SUSPECTED OF HAVING DONE SO”

Take a moment to let that meaning sink in. The ‘necessary force’ spoken of usually ends with the death (an excruciatingly painful death) of the ‘suspects’ in question. Would these laws be tolerated in a city as broadminded and advanced as Mumbai or Delhi or Calcutta or Hyderabad? Why Manipur? What sin so great did that state and its people commit to be tortured and murdered at the whim of an authority? Suppressing insurgency doesn't even begin to make a decent argument anymore. The more fuel the authorities add to the fire, the stronger the insurgent groups grow.

All this blood, to keep the North Indian states from separating from India. Is this our idea of democracy? How the government and the army plan to prevent the secession of the North Indian states of India by inflicting torture and depriving them of their right to life, is beyond me. Just as Kashmir rose against the injustice they have suffered thanks to the AFSPA, (yes the ARMED FORCES SPECIAL POWERS ACT can claim a good deal of responsibility if Kashmir packs its bags and leaves) Manipur is not far behind. Our country crumbles under senseless, brutal laws while the government and the “authorities” pretend that “all is well”. The very fact that the 10th Anniversary of Irom Sharmila’s fast barely got any media attention is proof enough of the government’s desperation to sweep these murders under the rug.

Today, the Armed Forces Special Powers Act is nowhere close to the limelight since the “authorities” have a stronghold on the media, but there will come a day when someone braver than us bloggers will ask you to support their fight against atrocities this act has forgiven over decades. It may be a poll or a march or a silent protest or it might be a not-so-gentle reminder to the government that ‘we Indians feel the pain of our brothers and sisters’. What will you do? Sink back into your comfortable world of small worries or rise to support your fellow brethren and save our country from splintering to fragments, one state at a time?

Its upto you, just bother to do a little research first, if you don’t wish to blindly agree with that last rhetorical question.

Justice - Negotiated, Denied, Postponed & Delivered

2010-11-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

Our legal system has proudly worn a rarely fading smirk through the ages. Irrespective of whether you were the guilty or the victim, the lawyer and the law made a noticeable dent in your savings, bank account and your reputation (sucks if you were the good guy) no matter what the outcome of your case was.

In recent times, however, criminals have been given more reasons to rejoice (read: indulge in more criminal activities, carelessly). The law has always been for sale at reasonable prices, especially now, as compared to pulses and other daily commodities (yes, thank you Congress), authoritative agencies and government bodies have stopped hiding behind the “we’re doing our job as best as we can” façade and going out on a limb to help the guilty get away with a rap on the knuckles or a promotion in the most unfortunate cases.

Three cases have been burning up every newspaper stand, television set and internet news search all over India – The Aman Kachroo case, the Ruchika Girhotra case and the Adarsh scam. The outcome is plain disheartening.

Since most tax payers have come to terms with the fact that only a marginal amount of our hard earned moolah will be put to good use, the Adarsh scam is almost forgivable. All widows are treated like crap in most parts of India, so the Government was just sticking to tradition.

The Aman Kachroo ‘murderers’ have been sentenced to 4 years in prison, 21months of which are already complete so a big shout out to all ye drunk hooligans – “Alcohol lets you get away with murder”.

The best one yet is the Ruchika Girhotra case. Not only do the government and the authorities in question, believe in celebrating the offender’s success as a molester with a promotion, they also facilitate the harassment of the victim’s family for two decades. The media shouts its lungs out, and the truth can be heard by everyone but the judge.

Enough criticism of the government and the authorities, I say. Why burden their tender, weak, bribe-ridden shoulders with our grievances? I shall end with a pretty long, short story.

A wicked, wealthy woman harassed her nephew and niece; monetarily and emotionally, day in day out. The timid brother and sister took it all in their stride, year after year. The whole village watched as she cut their water connection, obstructed the renovation of his house and locked the meter box days before his wedding leaving him high and dry for electricity. Yet he did nothing, because she was a nightmare with viciously evil ‘friends’ to support her evil ways and he barely had a penny to his name.

Then came along, a miraculous morning, when she found herself surrounded by the entire village in the church yard, that could not bear to see her relatives suffer her cruelty any longer. Had she not been arrested for harassment and what not, she might have never gotten out of that church yard walking.

Now I don’t promote mob violence. I don’t believe that every matter needs to be solved with sticks, stones and shoes. Then, there are those times when you have to go with “laton ke bhoot baton se nahi maantein” and risk the consequences especially when you are certain that you’re dealing with a “ghee kabhi seedhi ungli se nahi nikalti” situation.

The New Patriotism

2010-11-07T05:09:00.000-08:00

An idle mind is a devil’s workshop. Many ‘patriotic’, ‘rational’, ‘sensible’ Indians will believe that to be true once they get through this article.

Kashmir, like most festering problems in India like the Maoist ‘insurgency’ and Manipur, has been easily ignored be those living comfortable existences, who have not suffered to their breaking point at the hands of corrupt authorities, torturing them and milking their tolerance dry. The issue has always been treated with a local anesthesia of sorts, numbing it out because it doesn’t concern us and “we trust people with unprecedented power to take the right decisions for the people without putting their gold plated, vested interests first”.

Until recently, we didn’t give a crap about what the fundamentalists, separatists, social workers or authors were trying to say, because India seemed decades away from a civil war or uprising or revolution that would shake the very foundations of the comfy couch we practice our indifference on. That picture, however, began to change when the oppressed began to say ‘no more’. Our couches now sat on unstable ground that could be shattered to cotton balls and splinters in a matter of years. We needed a strategy to combat this cry for justice. That strategy was ‘patriotism’.

People who cared for their country as much as they cared for the cockroach in their neighbor’s kitchen began spewing patriotic bullshit about ending insurgency and Kashmir being the pride and glory of India. People began to see the saviors of society as the enemy that had to be silenced at the earliest, lest the truth gained too much momentum. Thanks to this new found surge of patriotism, the media decided it was best to ride this sensational wave and blew things out of proportion, instigating the (most of the muddle headed and a few of the) hot blooded youth of the nation to condemn Arundhati Roy’s fight for justice.

Kashmir is part of India, by choice or by militarization. We have spent crores to keep Kashmir - their land, their freedom and their resources belong to us. Even though it may seem irrational, unreasonable and unforgivably selfish, we will shed blood to keep Kashmir, because it is a matter of national pride (and a matter of national security to a certain extent).

Under the British, we were an oppressed people with no justice. Human rights were blatantly violated. Today, Kashmir stands in those shoes. Their dam of tolerance has crumbled under the weight of our indifference to their pain over the decades. The Indian Government has become the British, and we know all too well, how that story ends.

If only we chose to care.

I am the Cow Whisperer

2010-10-31T20:29:00.000-07:00

Good day folks, it is I, the 'cow whisperer', level 79 of FarmVille.

See, I wasn't kidding.

In Blogger news, I have disabled nasty comments (new feature: WIN!) where all ridiculous / sad / stupid / nonsensical comments shall miraculously vanish into thin air within a certain period of time. It has nothing to do with me clicking that little 'trash can' icon beside your name. Just believe in the magic of blogger for once, will you. Good.

Lets talk about current issues, the stuff that's making headlines and that should be making headlines.
1. KASHMIR:
Kashmir's finally being seen as the poor li'l puppy tied to a light pole in the rain to shiver to death, while we all look at it and go "awww" and export juicy apples. The people started voicing their grievances through pebbles and stones, and since the Government isn't particularly psyched about complaints, a hundred of them got killed. Its you're regular mini-Indian massacre. I don't know what got into Arundhari Roy's head to go on and start speaking out against injustice all over again. She had the whole sedition issue coming all along, and she deserves it. When a Government is so threatened by a person's words that they resort to lawful means to get them to shut up, it means you're doing something right. I'm damn proud of that woman! She isn't one of us 'pretend' patriots who worry about consequences, be it the Maoists or Kashmir, she will voice it out loud and clear. Government jaye tel lene! What's sad is that she is fighting for justice in a country that survives on injustice and corruption. Please go ahead and call me anti-Indian. Oh wait, you can't thanks to the magic of blogger. Muahahahahaha!

2. Pyaar Ki Yeh Ek Kahani:
May I introduce you to the desi version of Twilight. Some genius, somewhere figured out that if the goras can make monies with a bunch of bad actors, by just tossing in a blood-sucker story line, we'll do it better. Thus, "Pyar Ki Yeh Ek Kahani" was born. The story revolves around a girl who is orphaned and falls in love with a rich vampire boy. Yup, that's pretty much all the story line Indian daily soaps need. We're gonna show those goras what bad acting is!

3. Not the Poor Old Lady with Cats:
For those of you who haven't heard, I've got a job :D . I'm a web designer at a li'l new-born company in Mumbai and life is good, which also means I won't wind up being the poor old lady with cats. Nyooohoohoohoohoo! I shall be the old web designer lady with enough money to feed her cats so that they don't start attacking her for food. (sigh) My ideal future...

Time to get back to work, see you around folks. Be good and burn someone this Diwali...

Tell me, How to do it right?

2010-08-26T04:38:00.000-07:00

If you’re silent, you’re rude.
If you talk, you’re ignored.

If you buy clothes, you’re splurging.
If you don’t, you're an embarrassment.

If you eat, your needs are unending.
If you don’t, you’re stubborn.

If you ignore them and study, you’re inconsiderate.
If you listen to them till you can't study, you lack discipline.

If you cry, you’re too sensitive.
If you hold back your tears, you’re stone-hearted.

If you go out, you’re a loafer.
If you sit home, you’re asocial.

If you live through it all, you’re shameless.
If you kill yourself, you’re a coward.

So tell me,
Oh wise ones,
How do I do it right?

At the foot of the hill of snow…

2010-08-12T01:59:00.000-07:00

I climb down,
To the foot of the hill of snow,
Where farmers dare not sow,
Nor weed, nor search, nor plough.
Yet, you wonder how,
These fields grow green abundance,
With no human assistance?
Unmonitored, mixed and rare,
Sprinkled with deer are hare...

Here strawberries, mushrooms abound,
Yet, not a man to be found,
Filling, greedily his bushels,
Stealing from these foothills…
Here birds are birds, not meat,
These grains, their spread to eat,
No sign of the two legged beast,
To turn them into his feast…
Here, cattle are free to roam,
Through pastures, slopes, their home,
Let nature conclude their life,
Rather than a butcher’s knife…
Sweet melodies sing the air,
Yet, no maiden fair,
May command her maids to engage,
In a plot that ends in a cage…

My wings I boldly spread,
As people shrink in dread,
No more shall my children lay distraught,
Your tyranny ends, ‘tis your turn to rot,
Ring then, those gongs of fear,
And spare no human ear,
I shall leave no stone unturned,
Mother Nature has returned.

Pearly Whites

2010-05-31T05:56:00.000-07:00

When I was a little child, my neighbor had praised my teeth and my ability to keep them sparkling clean at all times. Like any other kid showered with praise, I grinned away to glory. The credit however, belonged to my mother who would relentlessly chase me around with the toothbrush, just to make sure I didn’t have to get every last tooth extracted at the local dentist. He was quite the pain, literally. Unfortunately, I was quite a regular.

As the years flew by, my mother finally rested the responsibility of my teeth onto my own shoulders and, obviously, all hell broke loose. Without going into much detail, I’ll just say that my pearly whites were not exactly praiseworthy anymore.

It took me two painful teeth to realize that I could no longer leave the fate my teeth to the winds of destiny. Thus began the never-ending brushing sessions, going tooth by tooth, making sure each grinder and canine and (whoever else resides in my mouth with my permission) gets a thorough brush thrice a day. More if I ever felt generous (read: bored).

Then, one fateful evening, I felt something wedged stubbornly between my gum and my last tooth. After spending an eternity trying to ferret it out, my tooth brush slipped and rammed into my gum sending my nerves into a frenzy.

The next few days were involved turmeric and salt water gargles, medicated toothpowder coating, gum medicine and clove oil gum massages. A hundred concerned relatives and a thousand home remedies failed to give me a moment’s relief. The situation worsened, my gum grew fatter by the hour and I had to spend two nights sleeping with my mouth partly (and extremely uncomfortably) open.

Like that wasn't bad enough, the poor tooth beside the gum, was in the seventh level of hell. With three days of absolutely gentle brushing, the poor guy was a sitting duck for those notorious kitanoos (read: ‘germs’ for all my non-Hindi speaking friends). Now, I was stuck with a gum ache as well as a tooth ache. A trip to the dentist seemed inevitable. Smart me, I figured eliminating one problem would save me from that horrid electric chair (pun intended). So I attacked my crying tooth for a good three minutes, until that particular region of my mouth nearly numbed with pain. After a vigorous gargle, I inspected the insides of my mouth hoping and praying for a whiter tooth. Instead, I was surprised by a tiny, triangular object sticking its head out of my gum. “OH NO!” I thought, “It has festered!! I’m DOOOOOOMED!”…

I could hear my mother, the dentist and the drill lecture me into insanity until I bravely squeezed out the culprit of my wild imagination. Lo and behold, a tomato seed. After the slipped-brush incident, I had clean forgotten about the real reason that had caused this entire fiasco.

A few hours later, the swelling subsided to an extent where I could close my mouth without my teeth stabbing my swollen lower gum. It might be a few days before I can return to non-mixer-treated food, but I’m not complaining. As for the dentist and his chair, they’ll just have to wait for my next blunder.

Moral of the story:
No matter how challenging it may seem, no matter what the world says, always deseed your tomatoes.

:D

Was it something I said?

2009-12-10T21:02:00.000-08:00

When author Edward Bulwer-Lytton said, “The pen is mightier than the sword”, he definitely wasn’t referring to the actual battlefield. People will never tire, glorifying the power of words. They deserve all the glorification they can get, because words hold the power to build and destroy.

If you stab a friend through his heart, you know exactly why he has severed all ties with you. Many a time, however, we say things that we regret later and more often, we say things that we should regret, but just fail to realize how much damage our words have caused those dear to us. Thus, the balloon of relationships goes from ‘close friends’ to ‘just acquaintances’.

A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from a friend who hadn’t kept in touch, since kingdom come. His two year long relationship with his girlfriend had blown to bits, so he decided to go for a movie to take his mind off things. I told him that I wouldn’t be able to make it and he should ask someone else. Then he uttered those six (five and a half, to be precise)fateful words that kicked all my sympathy for his situation, onto the railway tracks. He said, “I’ve already asked everyone else…”

BOOM! Now most of us might have used this one in the past, without realizing that we’re making the person on the receiving end, feel like he just won the ‘Last Resort Friend’ award. Telling a person that you’ve called up everyone on this planet you'd rather go out with, before even considering him or her, will not better your chances at getting your friend to agree. You’d be lucky if he ever answered your calls again.

My friend decided to meet a boy from the local area’s hub last night. The drive went well. The evening out was fine. Everything was fine and dandy until ‘boy from the hub’, ended his ‘goodbye’ with a "I’ll call you if I’m bored”.

Kids, drop dead. You may think its cool to sound important, but you might as well smack a pie in your face, while you’re saying something as STUPID as that. Ofcourse, he didn’t mean it. He just didn’t want to sound too desperate. Instead, he wound up hurting my friend to an extent that he’s decided never to call ‘boy from the hub’ ever again.

One of the few awesome things I learned from my one-and-only real relationship (besides love hurts) is – NEVER, FREAKIN EVER, SAY WHATEVER. I really didn’t get the whole deal with ‘whatever’ being offensive in the beginning. It isn’t a ‘dirty’ word. It doesn’t have any double meanings (yet). It just goes to say that “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. Since its insignificant, I won’t bother myself too much and just put an end to the topic with ‘whatever’ since I don't give a damn.” No damage done? You might as well tell the person to ‘four-letter-F-word’ off. “Whatever” is the non-wash-your-mouth-with-soap version of “‘four-letter-F-word’ off”.

If you’re keen to send your relationships diving into a sea of misunderstandings, nose first, then be my guest and don’t think twice before you speak. However, if you’d like your loved ones to hang around you a little longer, choose your words carefully, so that you won’t ever have to ask yourself, “Was it something I said?”

Parents' Favorite - The Blame Game

2009-11-27T18:01:00.001-08:00

Seema Khandagle was crossing the railway tracks to get to her college, while talking to someone over the phone, when the Howrah Mail hit her. This is what her father had to say: "I bought her a cellphone because I wanted that her to be contactable when required. But I never thought that the same cellphone would cost her her life". In other words, had it not been for the cellphone, his daughter might have still been alive.

A common scene at a PTA meeting would consist of a cluster of parents, grumbling away to glory about the idiot box and computers, spoiling their precious kids, distracting them and keeping them away from productivity. These are the same people (well, 90% of them are) who discuss religiously watched daily soaps in train compartments, office canteens and over the phone.

After thousands of years of brain damage and Dr. Phil books, parents have come up with a foolproof plan to wash their hands off all responsibility, regarding their childrens' irresponsible behavior - the blame game.

This article has been written in public interest. We know that most irresponsible parents don't have enough time to devote to nurturing their fragile kids' fragile minds, so here are a few 'ready to use' excuses they can hurl at all those fingers pointing at them, accusingly.

1. When your child prefers comic books over serious reading:
You can always blame someone else's kids. Other people have kids just so that you can blame them for your child's shortcomings and mistakes. On the other hand, if your child lends his comic books to other children, he's just adorably generous.

2. When you child runs amok and misbehaves:
Blame Shin Chan. He is the demon himself. When your child watches Shin Chan, the demon crawls through the television screen and possesses your child's soul forever. Due to his unholy influence, your child back answers his elders, refuses to do chores and breaks expensive furniture. This has nothing to do with you giving a damn about discipline and letting him watch any bullcrap telecast on television, in the name of cartoons. You were busy. You were coming up with convincing excuses.

3. When your child indulges in junk food and aerated drinks:
Damn those Khans, Kumars and Kapoors. Endorsing junk and trash, day in day out! Since you have no control over your children and they do (since your children spend more quality time with them rather than with you), its their responsibility to drill it into your child's head that the product that they're endorsing is a slow poison that will either dissolve their bones or finish them off with obesity (or both).

4. When your child turns violent:
The video games did it. Call of Duty. GTA. God of War. Doom. Need For Speed. Counter Strike. All those lovely games you bought your child, sneakily turned him into a Ak47 totting, highway racing monster. After all you did for the gaming companies, after all the profit they earned thanks to you, this is what you got in return?! Don't you feel cheated? Let down? You are not alone. There are tonnes of parents out there who left their children unattended to, with equally innocent video games, and are now paying the price of their naivety. Wait till you hear about all the other neat stuff they've learned from video games. You'll be so proud!

5. When your child jumps off the terrace, trying to fly:
Do you remember the time Shaktimaan was pulled off air because some kids flew to their death? I do. I do because Shaktimaan was one of the few programs on television that paid attention to teaching kids about 'good' and 'morals'. Apparently, they assumed that their audience's guardians were blessed with common sense. The good news is that Shaktimaan is back on air. Parents now have a variety to choose from (Spiderman, Superman, The Justice League, The Fantastic 4, etc... etc...) when it comes to blaming some influencial figure for their kids' broken bones.

6. When young girls diet to malnutrition:
Blame Kareena Kapoor and Deepika Padukone. As much as I'd love to let parents get away with this one (I resent the two, really resent. Sorry N), my conscience is stabbing me with a unicorn's horn, so bye-bye biased opinion. Why is she shrinking into nothing like Himesh Reshamiya's acting career (Huh?! Acting career?!) ? Can you not tell what your child looked like one week ago? Ofcourse you can't! I bet you wouldn't manage to pick out your child from a group of ten anorexic teenagers, because they'll all look the same!!

7. Vices:
Here you may divide the blame between two parties - (a) peers and (b) movies. Peers may not be as easy to blame, since they're someone's kids too and that 'someone' might not take too kindly to his or her kid being given the role of scapegoat. Movies, on the other hand, make the best scapegoats. Well, atleast they did, until some parents went overboard and got 'smoking onscreen' banned. They must have suffered the wrath of thousands of irresponsible parent-victims, left without the support of one of the strongest pillars of excuse history. Don't worry, the bad guys are still allowed to smoke occasionally.
How could you have noticed those drooping shoulders? That stench of alcohol (It might have been you with the stench, for all you know) ? Those red eyes and dark circles.. Nobody looks at their kids EVERYDAY, right? Right...

When your child passes away, while illegally crossing railway tracks and carelessly chatting with friends, don't blame the cellphone. Call me insensitive, but minor details like NOT CROSSING RAILWAY TRACKS DUE TO RELATED HEALTH HAZARDS should be permanently inscribed into a child's memory. Using handsfree while attempting such a dangerous feat is disaster waiting to strike, which it unfortunately did.

Talk to your children and be part of their lives. That's the only way you will know where they're going wrong. When things go wrong, no excuse is good enough to wash away the guilt. The day parents take responsibility and raise their children to grow into responsible adults, there will be fewer "Seema Khandagle" incidents. May her soul rest in peace.

BSNL 3G - Advertising

2009-09-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

When daily saas-bahu soaps decide to miss the last bus of logic and common sense and jump onto the rebirth / double roll / '27 shaadis in one life' bandwagon, we forgive them since its close to impossible to churn out new ideas once you're down 500+ episodes of a family drama. People are accustomed to swallowing most of the daily drama crap anyway, so nobody complains. They don't have to fear competition since everyone else is in the same boat.

In the advertising world, however, you need to stay sharper than Gillette Mach 5 (I didn't have a better comparison to make here, sorry *insert sad smiley face*). While Airtel and Virgin Mobile make sure their advertisements are the cream of the entire lot, Vodafone sticks to playing cute and Idea is shinning with "What an Idea, Sirji!". BSNL, on the other had, is more than happy eating cowdung by the side of the road.

Be it the "My friend Rahul" advertisement or the badly Photoshoped "Lightning fast" bore, BSNL refuses to get it into its thick skull, that just parading Deepika Padukone on screen does not make an impact on the audience, unless you're selling soap.

The levels of dumb-idity (yes, BSNL advertisements have influenced the creation of a new term) of the "My friend Rahul" advertisement sent me into shock mode. What an advertising joke!
Let's run it through an "Impression Jamanewala Test" to see how it fares in the real, sensible world:
a) If I really wanted to impress my siblings, I'd buy them a PS3. Letting them play games on my cell phone is passe and CHEAP!
b) Watching a movie with your girlfriend on a cellphone sends across a "I blew all my money on this cellphone so I can't take you to the movies for a few years" signal or "You're just not worth taking to the movies" signal.
Movie in Theater = Romantic.
Movie on Cellphone = Moronic. Cheap. Lame. Screen is too small, if you hadn't noticed already.
c) If my employee made a video call to me, while in the midst of a presentation he was supposed to be making, I'd fire his sorry butt and hire him again just so that I could fire him again for his guts! (Repeat procedure until satisfied or bored)
d) Parties need speakers. When I say speakers, I mean those that are NOT ATTACHED TO YOUR PHONE! They have to exist independently and should preferably be one foot tall or more.

In short, the advertisement sends across a clear cut signal saying "We cater to the chindi and we do it in style". Although the features offered by BSNL 3G might be spectacular (muffled giggle), the advertisement is a giant FAIL! Then again, it is BSNL.

Do Drugs make you STUPID?

2009-09-16T06:44:00.000-07:00

It might have been the drugs or it might have been the bad monsoon this year. Whatever the cause, you know that you are a symbol of stupidity when you get caught doing drugs (who gets caught doing charas and ganja dammit!?) in a freakin shopping mall.

Like most talents, stupidity too shall not go unpunished. Which means - Sushant Mondkar, 20, Emanuel Minadi, 20, Danish Zaidi, 21, Abhimanyu Thapar, 20, Aditya More, 18, Rohit Ramchandran, 18, Amit Pawar, 19, Kunal Wadekar, 20, and Slayton Pinto, 18 are in BIG TROUBLE.

Its wonderful that the Special Task Force commandos have finally nabbed these dangerous students who, in DCP P P Mutiyal's own words "are good students who secure over 90 per cent in college exams.”

Hiranandani Gardens is safe once again, especially from the pollution hazards caused by the smoking, I suppose.

I would also like to thank the media for making a fine example out of them. Nothing like ruining lives to give you a good night's sleep, ainnit?

God's Wicked Neat Sense of Humor

2009-09-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

Its mid-September and my blog was dying from a lack of posts. So, I decided to have mercy on it and update. I tend to show more mercy towards non-living things rather than the ones that can turn around and bite me.

Roadside preachers. Well, there are two kinds of roadside preachers. The first kind influenced this post and the second kind is influencing this one. The first kind steers clear of people like me, because they think I won't mind killing them and going to hell if that's what it takes to shut them up. Of course, they are absolutely correct. The second kind, however, is fearless. They aren't afraid of death because they have THE WORD OF GOD with them, which is sad, because that's exactly what is pushing people miles away from the Word of God.

Last May, minutes after I got the news about my friend passing away in a tragic bike accident, I decided I needed some fresh, polluted air to clear my head a bit. Now this friend isn't particularly close. I knew him for some eight months in person and a year or so from Orkut. He's the only guy in our group who is as insane about tattoos and anime as I am, and I'm naturally protective of the artistically talented. Coming to the main point, we had all spent an entire week begging and praying that he bounce back. Even though the doctors said that there's only a 5% chance, we were licking up every last bit of hope in that 5% (read: human nature). I took a walk down the colony road when some women (supposedly from Bangalore) stopped me. At first, I assumed that they needed directions, but boy was I wrong.

One lady thrust a pamphlet into my hand and started talking about God and sin and the bible. She churned out truckloads of information that I had been listening to over the years at Catechism class and from pious relatives. None of it sunk in. At that moment, all I wanted to to was grab her and smash her blabbering head into a sidewalk, until it shut up. Of course, that wasn't a viable option since
a) there was no sidewalk
b) I was outnumbered
&
c) I was really expecting, from every corner of my heart, that by some weird heavenly miracle, he would come back. If God could do it to Lazarus, He could do it to anyone. So I obviously didn't wanna tick God off by beating up His fanclub. I just smiled and walked away, leaving the lady very satisfied with herself, thinking she changed somebody's life. A few days later, when the funeral was done and over with, I wanted to claw all of those pretty roadside preachers to death.

See, preacher people, the light of God maybe shining in your life or maybe your stars are just treating you well at the moment, but there are people out there who are going hurricane Hanna, Fay and Cristobal in their lives and you have no right to interrupt their misery with your 'happy-happy-joy-joy' routine. Those who have to come, will find you. Please stop finding us or you will find a decent number of unpleasant experiences to share at your next meet.

If you are a concerned friend or relative, I'd request you stay away from this particular topic when I'm around or 'bad things will happen to you'.

Mumbai Police & Priorities

2009-07-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

The Mumbai Police sure has its priorities set straight. Burglars, murderers and rapists might as well kick off their shoes and relax. The Mumbai Police will not bother about you since “they’re running short on the taskforce necessary” to put you behind bars or even harass you in tiny ways. Right now, their hands are tied by a better source of entertainment – namely the youth.

The recent IC Colony issue is an example which proves my point through and through. Due to a complaint filed by a resident of the ‘206 Last Bus-stop’ area, the police have been patrolling the area ever so faithfully, every evening, driving couples and college groups away from their favorite hangout spot, because some couples supposedly ‘make-out’ in the open.

Hence, the police have taken it upon themselves to run up and down the area, day in day out, to make sure that couples and college students are driven into shadier corners that might prove to be a risk to their own safety. That isn’t their concern for the police though, since murderers and rapists seem to never be included in their ‘bad guy’s list.

Meanwhile, burglars have been doing their Diwali shopping in advance, with SEVEN robberies in a fortnight. The best excuse the police could come up with is “IC Colony is large and it takes our men over an hour to patrol the area”. This excuse is odd, since it takes me less than an hour to roam around the colony ON FOOT! The same police personnel however, manage to spring up quite often (read: less than 60minutes’ time gap) to pick on people hanging out in supposedly ‘non-hangout’ zones.

In conclusion, I’d like to applaud the police force for their exemplary performance in the ‘cracking down hard on couples and college students’ department, and I’d like to pretend that the actual anti-social elements of society will one day be brought under control after the police are done dealing with ‘other important tasks’ at hand.

PS.: I’m not in favor of extreme PDA, but I believe that couples taking walks and holding hands in quiet areas should not be harassed. As for college kids hanging out at the ‘206 Last Bus-Stop’; generations have hung out there, how dare they try to take it away from us now?! The ‘206 Last Bus-Stop’ issue will be discussed in another post. For now, stay content with these four closing sentences.

Omar Abdullah Quits -

2009-07-29T02:19:00.000-07:00

I'll give you two major reasons why the evergreen smile has been wiped off my ever-so-unreasonably-jolly face ---
1. Omar Abdullah quit as the CM
&
2. The 500gm bar of dark chocolate has mysteriously decreased to 200gms over the past three days.

Since the latter calls for a family investigation, I'd like to talk about the former issue that isn't exactly close to home. Omar Abdullah quit as the CM. Everybody has a rough idea about what happened. If you don't, go here. Don't bother to ask me because I will have brainwashed myself into believing that I never read the paper today and the world is still polygonal in shape, by the time you comment.

From what people have said and from what I've heard, Omar Abdullah was making himself useful. Kashmir is a complicated place with a gory history, a blood soaked present and an equally 'bright red' future. All said and done, he is supposed to be a good guy. Then, this scandal comes along and he resigns, until the matter is resolved (read: indefinitely).

Now comes the important question:
DO WE CARE?

Frankly speaking, (beyond a tub-full of sympathy) we don't give a damn about most things that aren't directly related to us. Do we care whether a politician is a rapist or a murderer or a serial killer or a rabid dog chewing at the bones of the poverty stricken? NO - WE DON'T!

If a politician has one hundred thousand murder cases pending in the court, but he manages to get your younger brother into a medical college, you will forgive him all his sins (although it is not upto you to forgive him), you will consider him a good man, a great man even! WHY? Because he is USEFUL! Fine, let us consider non-personal gains. Same politician gets the street lights in your neighborhood fixed so that your mothers and sisters get home safely, same politician improves the water supply problem in your neighborhood, same politician builds a new bus-stop ---- YOU WILL GLORIFY THIS MAN NO MATTER WHAT HE IS ACCUSED OF! (Its human nature, don't be too hard on yourself.)

Similarly, Omar Abdullah showed signs of being a useful politician to the nation. He 'might' have done SOMETHING for this country (which is going to the dogs, being run for the dogs, by other big, powerful, stinking dogs).

The point is that all politicians have power. Hence, we should close our eyes and assume that none of them will be carried to heaven by a fleet of angels in a carriage made of feathers. No matter what we do or who says what, humanity is stuffed with corrupted scum with the creamiest part being politicians. We can only hope for corrupted politicians who will do "something" good for the country, once in a while, rather than striving for "pure politicians" (funny no?) and kicking out the ones that get into trouble because they were too busy doing good things to remember to cover their tracks.

Therefore, we should all close our eyes for two minutes and ask God to (yes, I'd like the atheists to stop reading here) get Omar Abdullah out of trouble, as long as he will be damn useful to the progress of this country (in a good, non-sarcastic way), irrespective of whether he is guilty or innocent, and IF he IS guilty, then he can rot in hell for the rest of eternity, after he dies and is no longer useful.

P.S.: We could use some goodlooking politicians and I don't mean Govinda.

The Party Pains of Silver Shell

2009-05-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

I live in a quiet neighborhood. Once its past 11pm, there's a warm, comfy blanket of tranquility that covers the colony. This pleasant peace, however, was bludgeoned to death by the new family that moved into Silver Shell a few months ago.

Partying is a great stress buster. Everyone needs to freak out once in a while. I do too. The only difference is that people like me and many of you are aware of the 'somewhat insignificant' process our body performs every night, called sleep. The new family that moved into Silver Shell (yes, I will keep referring to them as 'the new family that moved into Silver Shell', because I wouldn't want to take names, knowing the company they keep) assumes that they live in the heart of a deserted town and allow themselves to party like maniacs at every available opportunity. To our dismay, their favorite opportunities happen to come along post 11pm, which leaves everyone else frustrated and ensures that I suffer a day long migraine the next day.

Obviously, approaching the Police isn't an option since a 'certain member of my family' favors them much more than that member favors me (you know who), so my last futile attempt at getting them to quiet down resulted in me getting the dirtiest look of the century from '***** dear'.

Their parents really take the cake. They are unreasonably supportive of their children and they take pride in the way their children abuse the freedom given to them. I remember one particular party that lasted through the night, till eight in the morning. The last party was on Sunday (which miraculously ended by 01:00am), so you can imagine the plight of all the people who have to wake up to Monday morning blues, with an additional headache.

I've hit a dead end. Yelling at them to "STFU!" was my one and only option which has been ruled out thanks to a 'certain family member'. I could really use some tips here, or I might just pick up a chainsaw and decide to attend their next party.

Men’s Underwear – In Advertising (India)

2009-05-11T21:48:00.000-07:00

“I’ve come up with an awesome brand of men’s underwear. It isn’t the least bit different from any other underwear that you can get at half the price without the fancy packing and the big brand name. Yet, the foolish folk out there will choose my brand over the other brands, because my advertisement shows a bunch of half naked goris sticking to the main male model, coz he’s wearing fancy undies.” This is probably what began the wave of selling everything that an underwear cannot do, through underwear advertisements.

From Lux Cozy’s banned ‘puppy around the pool’ marathon to Amul Macho’s “Yeh toh bada toing hain” madness, the underwear advertising industry as gone from unreasonable to vulgar to ridiculous. Yet, common man (strictly ‘man’ in this case) seems to fall for their cheap gimmicks and actually makes the brand work.

Can anyone explain how wearing a particular brand of undies can bestow upon a loserly guy, mysterious kung-fu-plus-karate-and-goodness-knows-what fighting skills (unless the underwear was bitten by a radioactive spider)?

Wouldn’t girls cling to any guy who had that kinda hot body irrespective of whether he was wearing the underwear or not? I bet he'd get more girls if he just lost the underwear.

Brands like TanTex and Dixcy Scott do come up with comparatively decent advertisements, yet they aren’t exactly the popular hit among users. (Trust me, I live in a colony where guys wear jeans to reveal ‘certain’ brand names, so don’t you judge me.)

A decade from now, ‘ridiculous’ advertising ideas will most probably hit extinction, so here’s what we might get to see –

Man wears underwear and flies to the moon "without" an oxygen mask.
Man stands at border and strips down to just his underwear. Terrorists do not enter out of respect.
Woman gets an orgasm by merely washing a certain brand of men’s underwear by the lake. Sincere apologies, Amul Macho’s already got that one covered.
Man saves Earth from Aliens. Yes, the same terrorist trick can work here too.
Boy goes to college in his underwear. Scores full marks in vivas.

This is as far as my imagination is willing to take me. On the brighter side of things, women get an opportunity to see hot, half naked male models (fully waxed, but anything looks good after Shah Rukh Khan's item numbers) and men get (more than enough of) their quota of bikini clad desperate women. Who bothers to look at the underwear anyway?

Iris 2009 - Musical Evening & The Riot Act

2009-03-29T10:08:00.001-07:00

Do you think Junkyard Groove is freaking awesome?! Its freakin awesome-er than awesome! I, however, shall get to JYG’s mindblowing performance tonight at St. Francis Institute of Technology’s IRIS ’09 Riot Act (no, I couldn’t remember the entire name all by my little ol self, I refered to the pass. See picture) a little later. The other concert definitely deserves its share of applause.

This awesome college festival began exactly one week and one day ago, with Anuradha Pal and Indira Nair’s “Musical Evening”. Moreover, I got “free” passes :D (thank you Amal Nicholas, I owe you!). Anuradha Pal was divine. People as dumb as moi, knowing head nor tail nor flea about Indian classical music, had the time of their life. Ah! Cut out the ‘classical’ part. The music was electrifying! No wonder her new album’s called “Recharge”. Despite the whacked up sound system (yeah, sound people, this better NOT happen next year), the evening was magnificent. The artist on the sarangi played to perfection. Dammit! Can’t remember his name right now. Then again, you don’t need people to remember your name, when you’re talent is your true identity.

The sound improved by the second half of the evening. Indira Nair’s melodious voice had us swaying to soothing sufi sounds. The crowd went insane with “Jhum Barabar Jhum” and the original version of “Allah ke Bande”. The night ended with the police playing spoil sport, but the overall experience was beautiful.

One week and one day later (29th March, ’09) and the Riot Act was all set to blow us all to bits!! The concert began by 06:15pm and we got there no sooner than 06:45pm, so we had already missed Zodiac. Black was awesome, but got a poor response from the crowd, since it wasn’t in the mood to play covers. “Field of Thought”, however, was better than any cover any day! Their originals may do better next year.

Rock Water began with a big bang! From Pink Floyd to Jimmy Hendrix, they had most of the audience swaying to their tunes. “Comfortably Numb” was covered really well. Barring one ‘throw-socks-on-stage’ incident, the entire Rock Water experience was good. Then, unfortunately, John Hegarty took the stage and the crowd went cold. Not that we doubt his singing skills, its just didn’t work for this audience. During his performance, we got a glimpse of a mini-mosh pit, as my friend Rohan Naravane described it (who came to my rescue or I’d be stuck way back all through the concert).

Rock Water’s lead singer took the stage again. The crowd gathered again, and it was Junkyard Groove time!!!

If you were there, you could hear the anticipation in every “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” that must have echoed through the entire school. Nobody budged as bands changed and Junkyard Groove took the stage. The lead singer, Ameeth, skipped his usual 5minute chit chat before the performance and got down to playing some insane MUSIC! From ‘Imagine’ to ‘Thank you’ to ‘Let You Go’ to ‘Rock & Roll’ to ‘Feel Like a Knife’ (my personal favorite), they had the crowds screaming their lungs out in excitement! This was sprinkled with a few jokes between songs, requests to buy their CDs up for sale on our way out and sound checks. This is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone say, “Ah! Buy it, download it, share it, do what you want!” I guess that line must have sold more CDs than the awesomeness of their album!
Craig was heavenly on bass. I stood hypnotized by the way his fingers moved on that gorgeous musical machine. The guitar is worth a mention too. There can’t be a sexier guitar in existence unless its still part of someone’s imagination. Sid had the crowds screaming everytime his fingers moved across the strings. Leaving the concert was the worst part of the evening :( If only last night could have lasted a few hours longer. Then again, there’s the 10:00pm deadline and we don’t want a police performance, so all the little black sheep had to return home after a fun filled evening of crazy music and crazier head-banging.

Overall, Iris ’09 was a huge success. Sure we missed bands like Zero and P.D.V but we weren’t complaining after Black and JYG either. Looking forward to Iris 2010. Keep up the great work guys!

Funny Bits:
CDs from Black weren’t exactly accepted by the crowd and some of them made it back to the stage.
Ameeth’s ‘twinkle-twinkle-little-star’ performance before the actual song began.
One of the event co-ordinators, Melwin Chiramel, was seen doing a little air-guitar jig backstage, while JYG played its last song for the evening.

The Team that made it happen:

Staff Co-ordinators - Mr. Sunil Pansare, Mrs. Prachi Raut

Joint Event Co-ordinators - Melwin Chiramel, Flevin Marattukalam

Joint Heads of Publicity - Pratik Chitre, Rufus D'souza

Joint Heads of Marketing - Vernon Mathias, Karen D'souza, Vaibhav Gupta

The Post-Holi Morning

2009-03-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

'So, here we are, investigating the murder of the watchman of our building, but the murder has taken place in Bandra, which is freakin far from where we live, but we’re still investigating it. Good riddance to the watchman. I just knew he’s better off dead because he must have done something wrong that made me feel that way, and at that point of the investigation, I actually knew what he’d done.

The next day was the day off, so I did what I do best, pick up a camera and run to the beach, only the beach was this gigantic stretch of black rocks, much like Bandra’s land’s end. I spend most of the evening taking pictures. I know its evening because I can see the sun set. I get pictures of people on picnics, girls and boys roaming about and the perfect black and white picture of a grandfather, grandson and their dog. The grandfather, however, doesn’t come within the frame. Just a bald patch of his head makes it. The boy must be five or six years old. The dog is fluffy and caramel colored.

Anyway, something reminds me about the case and I head home, fortunately, this time its not Bandra. I sit discussing the case with my mother when I noticed the couple living across the street spying on us, though their windows have dark glasses (X-ray vision I guess). They notice me noticing them and all hell breaks loose. They try to send us bouquets, tones of ‘em. Then they threaten me with shinny toy-like pistols. Now under normal conditions, I’d have turned my living room into a bathroom, at the very sight of guns (or whatever they were) but here, I’m brave. I barely flinch. As a matter of fact, I don’t flinch at all! I just slam the door on their faces.

Then the church choir comes and sings at my door on their behalf. (whacky where this is going, isn’t it?) After I manage to interrupt their singing with my (very justified) protests, I explain to them that I’d be calling the police since the couple’s harassing me, and they’d better leave unless they want to wind up in the lock up too (choir in the lock up! The thought itself is just downright amusing). They freak out. One of them apologizes and tells me that they were told that UTV and UTI (?!?!) would be covering this, so they came. They left. I see the husband of the couple hiding beside the door. When he realizes that he can be seen, he says “Ooops” and walks off. That’s when I recognize him. He’s my friend Nikhil (aka Gobi).'

Fortunately for me, I woke up. The dream was freaking confusing and I was more than happy to get rid of it. That, however, was the good part of my morning.

My real morning begins now. I wake up to find my face unusually swollen. It might have been because I tried waking up in the middle of the night to watch Manchester United (yes, I like using the entire name instead of just ManU) play, but kept dozing off so I skipped it. I got off the bed and realized that my download speed had dropped from sucky to suckier. Only 10% got done through the night (heartbroken). Then it happened.

Something began to rumble in my tummy. Must be last night’s raajma (kidney beans for all ye sophisticated readers), dammit! It was time to GO! I scamper around searching for a pair of slippers, coz the bathroom’s definitely wet. My eye still pokes. I can’t find my slippers. I can’t find my hairclip. My tummy’s making insane noises and doing its earthquake thing inside. I swear, if someone tells me that we have tectonic plates inside our tummies, I’ll believe them! In all the hurry, scurry and confusion, I dropped an open safety pin (yes, there goes the ‘safety’ part) and stepped on it. The moment I stepped on that pin, I knew that this morning was blog-worthy. I spent the next 5 glorious minutes ‘doing er… morning stuff’ and I sat thinking of this article’s title. This is exactly why today’s title sounds so ‘crappy’ :(

On the brighter side of things, my friends, who non-miraculously downed around four litres of ‘bhaang’ with ‘thandai’, will be having one heck of a morning themselves – way worse than mine, come to think of it :D

Building Blocks - Part One

2009-02-26T00:22:00.000-08:00

(This is a true story. The characters' identities may be revealed in future posts)

A few decades ago, a man married a woman, and had three sons. The man had a serious drinking problem and was rarely willing to take up his family responsibilities. His wife was left helpless, to fend for herself and her children. Miraculously, her in-law weren’t cruel and a taunting lot. They helped the man’s wife and her sons, even though their own means were limited. The man passed away. All three sons grew up well, are married happily and quite successful in their respective careers. One flew abroad and works there. One of the three sons struggled through the hardships life flung in his path and rose from being an auto-rickshaw driver to a successful builder. One owns an estate agency. Let us name him Mr. A.

Today, Mr. A lives in the city and has a comfortable life. His paternal relatives, however, aren’t that lucky. Polio struck one of his father’s sisters at a very young age, deforming both her legs to a great extent. Thus, she never married. One of his father’s brothers has always been mentally challenged. His father’s mother, somewhere in her 90s can barely get off the bed. These are the people who have looked after him, when they could have just turned a blind eye to his condition. His father has two more siblings – a brother and a sister, who have run from pillar to post all their lives to make sure that their aging mother and unfortunate siblings spend the remainder of their days in livable conditions.

Let me elaborate the ‘condition’ of the house that they live in. Village houses have always been simple, with leaky roofs and mushrooms bursting through the cow-dung floors. In addition to that, the entire compound floods every monsoon, till the bed has to be mounted up on whatever is available so that the mother and the brother are not adversely affected by the muddy water gushing in. Repairs have been undertaken by the man’s brother, but his means are limited too. The people who helped Mr. A and his family when they were in dire need of support are suffering day in day out. All this can end though. The compound that they live in is family property, so it will have to be divided among the children equally. If the property is sold, the aging mother, her mentally challenged son and his sister will get an opportunity to see better days. The value of the plot may run into crores, but there is a problem.

Mr. A knows the worth of a good piece of land when he sees it. If the land is sold and the money divided now, there will be more shares made. However, if the mother, the brother and the sister pass away, it will mean 3 less shares, which will mean more money for Mr. A. So Mr. A plays his cards as well as his worldwise-mid has taught him to play. He postpones the fixing up of the house. The entire is cost borne by the rest of the family. When his uncle (father’s brother) asks him to sign the property papers, so that the house and the plot can be sold, he assures him that he will do it, as soon as his brother arrives in India. So the sale is postponed again. Mr. A’s father’s mother’s and brother’s condition worsens by the day, yet Mr. A’s heart does not melt. When his brother does return from abroad, his uncle approaches him again, but Mr. A assures him that he will sign the papers soon and even find them a customer. As time goes by, the papers do not get signed and the promised customers do not show any signs of showing up. His uncle, now quite old himself, asks Mr. A again.

This time, however, Mr. A has a plan. He tells his uncle that he will help build up the house that is now nearly in tatters, instead of selling the plot. If the plot and the house on it are not sold, there is no money. Fixing the house will only cost the aging mother and her children more money, which they do not have. ‘Everyone is familiar with the issues a joined property brings along – the best option would be to sell it off, in everyone’s best interest’, his uncle tried explaining to him. Mr. A, however, will stand to lose if more shares are made. He puts his foot down, ‘I will not sign those papers. Forget it. I will not sign them, even if you kill me.’ So a dejected uncle leaves and turns to his married sister for help. Maybe she can talk some sense into Mr. A.

To be continued…

(Mr. A's identity shall be revealed, right here, on this very blog, if his plan of action does not change. Stay tuned for future updates.)

… and single!

2009-01-19T08:05:00.001-08:00

A girl’s perspective on growing older without any success at finding Mr. Perfect, what it might have been like, what it may be and what it might be like:

Sixteen and Single:
You’re a baby rabbit. You’ve just popped your head and your floppy ears out of the burrow, and you can barely believe that guys and girls actually spend time together (willingly), to the extent that they eventually marry (you’re parents were never considered ‘guys and girls’, they were always parents). There’s plenty of time left to waste and enjoy before you bother to look at the male population of the planet. Girls who’ve gotten themselves boyfriends are considered stupid. Boys are still “something” that you can make fun of and call names.

Eighteen and Single:
Good riddance to junior college. Its time to hop onto the degree wagon. Most of your friends have tested the relationship waters, and have done their share of depressed singing, sobbing, eating and shopping as a consequence of unsuccessful, immature “relationships”, as they choose to call them. The opposite sex is still immature and irresponsible, as always. Who wants to jump into anything related to them right now? You know better than that, don’t you?

Twenty One and Single:
Relationships? Boys? Gifts? Outrageous telephone bills? It is the dawn of the “been there, done that” phase. Please do not misinterpret the word “done” in the previous sentence. After nearly everyone burst into love all around you, you realized that it wouldn’t be long before the dreaded bug chomped off a healthy bit of your heart too. And chomp it did! You have been left broken hearted by atleast one guy, and you’ve adopted the “grapes are sour” defense. No grape shall dare enter your forcefield of dry sarcasm and leave without dents, bruises and Harry Potter scars, all over them and their ‘egos’(?!).

Twenty Four and Single:
Dammit! Its time for the first friend to plunge into marital bliss, and you’re holding the wedding invitation in your confused hands, wondering what invisible force of stupidity struck her to take such a ‘harsh’ decision. Whatever happened to ‘love life, hate love’? You, on the other hand, are too happy to worry about romance and your future somebody, since your career keeps you more than warm at night, and you have enough on your plate to worry about, till the next three Christmases.

Twenty Six and Single:
Time to worry. Not about finding ‘him’ stupid, about evading those questioning glances your mother, aunt, grandmother, mother’s aunt, aunt’s grandmother, grandmother’s sister and nosy neighbor throw at you, when the “wedding” discussion surfaces (coincidentally, you are around, every freaking time!). Friends are busy buying engagement rings, ‘discussing’ honeymoon destinations and investing in real estate, while you juggle between work and family engagements (no! Not the ‘engagement -> marriage’ engagements). There’s still time, its not like you are sixty or even close!

Thirty and Single:
Everyone you know decides to marry within that short span of time. One moment they're sane, the next moment, they're getting married. They’re willing to marry a perfect stranger that their mother picked for them, as easily as she would have picked oranges in the market – “Oh! That guy is from a good family, let us marry our daughter there". You never realized when you turned 60. Yes, sixty, everyone talks to you like you’re sixty. When you are single, you do not turn 30 after 29, you turn 60. You have not only missed the bus, you’ve managed to miss the train, the airplane and the hovercraft and you’ve become OLD! Aunties at parties discuss you. They try to find you another 60 year old man, so that they can ‘save your future’. The only problem is that, he is 60 for real, but that’s no issue, is it? You refuse to follow the ‘orange looks good from the outside and all the oranges on the tree look good, so that is a good orange tree to marry into’ pattern of arranged marriages. You develop a strong immunity to taunts and stares. Oh well, atleast your fine lines and wrinkles do not decide the fate of your career (entirely).

And that, my friends, is about it for now. I cannot imagine my life (or any other single woman’s life) at the ‘after 60, yet single’ stage (I’m freakin 21 and starving!). The rest of this post may continue after a few more years of experience about life and singledom. Until then, all ye single women, relax – you are not the person I was talking about.

My encounter with an overconfident plagiarist - Piyush Tainguriya

2009-01-13T03:41:00.000-08:00

How do you block someone from your blog? You can’t. You obviously write to be read. How many of us out there, write to be stolen? Yes, you read right – stolen.

Over the years, writers have accused famous people of stealing their ideas and passing them off as their own. Then comes the stereotype reply, “We did not steal it. It is my original work. If you read it, its quite different from so-and-so’s idea”.
I never expected myself to become a victim of such theft though, that too, my idea was stolen by an insignificant overconfident brat. Yes, isn't it just heartbreaking - not even someone remotely famous, although his "followers" may beg to differ.

One fine day, I woke up to find a sweet little link in the comments section of my story The End at Shmoo Tales. When I followed this link, I was in for one of the rudest shocks of my life. Piyush Tainguriya had “re-written” my story, with quite a few twists (and a decent helping of distasteful erotic scenes) and did not bother to mention the original author’s name (me) or even a link that tracks back to my story, let alone ask for my permission before using my story. Then, he had the nerve to (try and) insult me and claim his work to be an original, completely independent of my story. Of course, the story and most of the character names indicate otherwise.

For those who may sense a slight problem in differentiating between a concept and an idea, here it is, quite literally spelled out for you, with examples (yes, feel my generosity).
A concept is a seed. Seeds are available all over, a dime a dozen. Actually, they won’t even cost you a dime. The ‘evil stepmother’ concept, the ‘miserable orphan’ concept, the ‘tall dark handsome hero’ concept – they’ve always existed. You can never stake your claim on a concept.
An idea can change your life. Just kidding, I couldn’t resist that one. On a serious note, an idea is like a graft. You take many available seeds and water them till they begin to grow into something. Then, you fuse them together to create a new plant. This little plant is completely your creation. You nurture it with your imagination and grow it into a tree. You can (like hell) stake a claim on your very own tree.

Short summary of the "concept(s)" Piyush "borrowed" from my story:
The main character's name.
The main character's age.
The fact that he is an orphan living with a relative.
The window overlooking a neem tree. (yes, he did not even spare the neem tree)
The name of one of the other characters.
The dropping of a utensil in the kitchen, by the cousin causing the aunt to come in.
The fact that the story takes over at the end and he ends up killing his relative.
The main character returning to the computer/laptop after the murder.

And a short summary of the differences:
The relative's name (OMG! That was hard work).
The sex scene.
The circumstances under which the relative was killed.

I write, not to supply storylines for others to utilize whenever it suits them, but because I love to write. I am extremely possessive about my stories. If my stories influence you to an extent that you wish to write a story on the (very) same lines, go ahead, but have the courtesy to ask me if it is all right with you modifying it. I will not forgive any third party wannabe sarcastic walking away with my work. I have used concepts, not ideas. I will not allow Piyush Tainguriya to steal my idea and pass it off as borrowing a concept.

I have used many pictures at my blog from websites, but I have never claimed any of them to be mine. Yes, Piyush’s story maybe different in many ways, but one cannot ignore the striking similarities. My story or my blog may not have copyrights and patent rights, but that does not give anyone the right to do what Piyush Tainguriya has done.

Many of you may think that I have over reacted to this situation. Many of you may say that it is not direct plagiarism, which it isn’t, since the boy has put in some amount of work to change it (and that is a compliment, not an insult). Many of you may even agree with what Piyush has to say, but a true writer knows that it is downright disrespectful to take another author’s work/ideas without his permission.

As it appeared at Piyush's blog on –
Jan 8, 2009
The Beginning
Gaurav sat staring at the neem tree outside his window. He was sure he had the right idea this time. It had to be about an army officer and a girl in the occupied village. yes, his first romantic story. A beautiful village where sun shows a range of infinite colors since it comes out of the dark valley in the east and goes behind the village head's house to spend the night with his many concubines.
He was snatched out of his reverie by the grating voice of his aunt who was calling him for another day of mind numbing cleaning work. She had become particularly watchful about his diet nowadays. She seemed to want him to work at par with his appetite. A 15 year old boy just has to eat his fill and not to be reminded about it again and again.
'Come out you good for nothing stumbler. Nalayak just eats and sits on the computer all day. Don't know what he does on that devil's device. I'm sure he's surfing porn right now.' This always succeeded in making his temples burn with indignation. But listening to it was the only way he could have a place to live. An orphan living at an unwilling relation's place cant be very finicky about the treatment he's getting. Mrs.Kripalini Chatterji was his Dad's faraway cousin and the only surviving relative. His parents had died when he was 10, in the Gujrat earthquakes. Gaurav had been visiting his aunt's place then and so she also had no other way than to adopt him. She was afraid of what people might say. But she always stayed resentful of the added burden.
He closed his cousin's laptop and came out in the kitchen and started cleaning the utensils. Prachi- his aunt's daughter who was just one year older than him came inside to drink water. She had been feeling horny a lot in the last few days and both of them used to kiss a lot when kripalini was not looking. Prachi had always been good to him but she was not strong enough to stand up to her mother. She tended to spend most of her time outside with her friends. Gaurav only got to study through distance learning because a school fee for two was cost prohibitive according to kripalini. The only friend he had got was Prachi and nowadays she had become a lot more. Gaurav had started feeling a burning desire to touch her whenever she passed him by. She also never stopped him.
Today again he started feeling the now familiar thrill when he saw her back turned to him, the rustle of her dress when she opened the fridge, the movement of her Adam's apple when she gulped the water, her hair, her long, sleek legs. She was a goddess. He could control it no more. He went and encircled her in his arms. They started to kiss. This was risky. The bitch woman could come anytime but the fear added to the joy. Gaurav shoved her against the sink to put his hand in her dress and that was then the glass tumbler he had been cleaning fell to the ground. Prachi stared at him startled, wide eyed and then took her bag and ran out. He heard the door close behind her.
Kripalini had heard the sound but she took about two minutes to come inside the kitchen as she was in the loo at the time the tumbler fell. When she came Gaurav was in the process of cleaning up the mess on the floor.
"The officer stands on the bank of the river, the girl is drinking water straight from the stream, Prachi looks up, their eyes meet, they are hungry eyes, they don't want any disturbance, they want to rip off each other's clothes, there is pure lust in their eyes. Gaurav shoves the girl roughly against the tree, the girl is breathing hard, her face is shiny and cool because of the water she has drunk, her hair matted in strands and dripping with water, a MiG-13 drops a bomb in the shrubs, the officer starts collecting the shrapnel, the girl runs away, the sirens are wailing, the doors are closing,the adrenalin is high, the indignation in the men is reaching its peak, they want to kill the pilot, Gaurav is collecting the shrapnel, the speaker is blaring a warning, all keep calm, stay low,no we'll kill them, stay inside, don't make a sound, no they have to be killed, its us or them, the warning has become more and more insistent, the voice is a screech, you goddamn village bumpkin, shoot it down,have you ever been into a civilized house before?,fuck the bastards, you butter finger free loader did your parents teach you to say sorry or even that is left for me to teach, kill'em all, the shrapnel stings, there is a sulphurous odor in it, he lunges for the MiG 13, grabs the pilot by the throat and slits it in one single motion, the plane crashes. There is peace.
He washed his hands and went back to the computer. It just spilled out. Yes the village was beautiful. The sun showed a range of infinite colors since it came out of the dark valley in the east till when it went behind the village head's house to spend the night with his many concubines.
Then he shut down the computer and packed for the long journey ahead.

Posted by T-REX at 5:25 PM
Labels: sexual attraction, spilling, story
11 comments:
The Shmoo said...
How about mentioning a link to my story, somewhere in this entire post, since it is my story that you've modified and posted (yes, with a little more colorful vocabulary)?
January 8, 2009 4:27 AM
stuntman mike said...
@ shmoo : how bout you givin us the link urslf.

@ piyush : must say wonderfully well constructed , the desperation in the romance and the sexuality of a teen wonderfully well depicted .... i love the where gaurav and his story combines
January 8, 2009 4:37 AM
T-REX said...
@shmoo..yeah yeah fine but i dont know how to give a link in the blog.

@stuntman...thanx :D (my first smiley)but i gotta tell you that i was subconsciously inspired by a Haruki Murakami novel(dont remember the name though)
January 8, 2009 4:47 AM
The Shmoo said...
The original version :
http://shmootales.blogspot.com/2009/01/end.html

Nice modification Piyush.
January 8, 2009 5:48 AM
T-REX said...
A *SIMILAR* version http://shmootales.blogspot.com/2009/01/end.html

@shmoo for a more original version we should all read Harry Potter or better still Ciderella dont you think?
January 8, 2009 7:32 PM

T-REX said...
someone(a girl obviously)told me that girls dont have Adam's apples..shit!
9well,you live and learn)
January 8, 2009 7:58 PM

The Shmoo said...
Piyush, I am sick of you trying to pass this off as your story. If this was some dumb community, I would let it pass, but ripping off someone's story like this, then terming the original (yes, original, sink it into your head) as merely 'similar' is unacceptable.

As for Harry Potter and "Ciderella", I fail to notice any resemblance in the storyline at all.
January 8, 2009 9:46 PM

T-REX said...
even i'm sick of you making an issue of a stupid matter.Subject matter being the same and story being the same are two diffrent worlds.
I challenge you to put the two of them for comparison let people decide whats original and whats not.and i'm not passing it off as anything.I apprised you of the fact that i didnt like ur ending. so i went ahead and changed it.
January 8, 2009 11:24 PM

The Shmoo said...
If you had let the entire matter rest after my comment at your blog, providing the link to mine, I wouldn't have pursued it any further.

I had put an end to this thing last night with that comment, but you just had to go one step ahead and call it a similar version. These stories may not mean much to you, but they may to someone else. Please keep that in mind before dismissing this as a stupid matter.

If you delete all the comments after the 4th one in this article including this one (and excluding "someone(a girl obviously)told me that girls dont have Adam's apples..shit!
9well,you live and learn)" since it does not pertain to out little problem), everything will be back to normal.
January 8, 2009 11:43 PM

T-REX said...
well that girl is one of my friends...it was not about you. And i say that its original coz i belive it is. And i'm ready to face any test of originality.

you cant put my work in question and get away with it...if you want me to delete all that you write here that you have no problems with my post and it is a story independent of yours.
January 8, 2009 11:55 PM

The Shmoo said...
I said "EXCLUDING" her comment and including my last comment. Read.

Goodness! How can you call 90% of my work and 2% changes made by you, your original?

Right from the storyline to some of the characters names; they're from my story.

"i didnt like ur ending. so i went ahead and changed it" Explain how your story is completely independent of mine, if you yourself admit to have changed the ending and left most of the story intact. You need to take the author's permission before altering a story and putting it up. Leaving behind a comment at my blog about it, is not called asking for permission.

The only reason I asked you to delete the comments here (ie. the little dialogue between us, not the ones irrelevant to the issue), is because this has become some sort of chat discussion, which does not look good at a blog.
January 9, 2009 12:57 AM

Oh, by the way, I have been accused of sweet talking him into deleting the comments at his blog, (which I did in an attempt to make his post look less like a chat log and more like the comments section), so they have been included in this post as well.

Oh, and here's the comment that compelled me to publish this post:
A note for all the visitors..the concept of this story has taken from a post in shmoo's blog but I vehemently deny her assumption that her's is the original,implying that mine is a copy.My story is totaly different entity in itself and everyone is invited to compare the two and find out any similarities except the basic concept(Think of "turn the page" by Bob seger and "turn the page by Metallica, wd you call them copies?)and the names of two of the characters.Had it been my wish to hide the fact of taking her concept I wd have changed the names.I reiterate the fact that my story is Original(yes original with a capital O) irrespective of manisha's story's status.

Yes Piyush, you may go ahead and write a stinging blog post at your blog too and call me whatever you like, if it makes you feel better, but you have successfully earned the title of a shameless plagiarist.

Note: If a plagiarist ever invites you to chat, do NOT accept it. I made a mistake by assuming his desperation to speak with me, as an indication that he has understood his mistake, and wants to apologize. Plagiarists are not human. Any and all acts of kindness and forgiveness towards them will be used against you. The plagiarist has now posted private conversations between us on his blog, along with my picture, for which I may take legal action against him.

High Court arms BMC with a License to Kill

2008-12-22T20:06:00.000-08:00

"We'll end stray dog menace in two years: BMC". Did thise headlines surprise me? Hell no! This is the BMC. They are lord and king of the streets of Mumbai, and they have every right to kill leaving creatures that they cannot get control of.

Thankfully, they have the High Court on their side in this endeavor. The High Court has permitted the BMC to kill 'nuisance dogs'. The BMC's definition of nuisance dogs - Dogs that bark continouosly and create a disturbance, chase vehicles and motorcycles will be termed as nuisance dogs.

As far as my neverending knowledge about dogs goes - a dog's average day consists of barking randomly (and often with good cause) and chasing vehicles. Yes, it can be troublesome, but do we want dogs to be killed for 'barking and chasing'? I agree that dogs that pose a potential threat to people, like the ones that go around taking random nibbles at unsuspecting victims, should be laid to rest, but if the BMC is allowed to have its way, strays will be wiped off the streets of Mumbai in no time.

There's a hilarious side to this nonsense too - The BMC sets up a monitoring committee to ensure strays aren't killed indiscriminately. Would I be wrong to compare this to a situation, to a situation where a bunch of pre-schoolers are put in charge of supervising a board exam?

A peaceful candle march

2008-12-14T06:30:00.000-08:00

I dragged my half-lifeless body back home. The blister on my left baby toe was screaming for attention. Dogs lazed around and looked at me like I was some fool to work my ears off, for something they get for free. They don’t even need to watch the carbs. “Peace March on Sunday” read the colorful neighborhood blackboard.

Point One: When you have walked 15 minutes back from the bus stop, after a murderous day of work, you don’t want anything to remotely remind you about walking.
Point Two: What the bloody hell does a peace march do?! Have you heard of anything stupider? (Besides Rakhi Sawant for President)

I’ve noticed one remarkable talent everyone has perfected after any given tragedy, even if they weren’t related to the Aunty-of-the-girl’s-friend-whose-uncle’s-cousin-was-three-kilometers-away-from-the-place-of-the-incident.
No offense to minorities (yes, Catholics are a religious minority too), but they’re always at the forefront of such marches and peace walks and ‘light-a-candle’ garbage. The motive is so obvious, it embarrasses me to watch - “Please, we wanna fit in, we love India as much as you do, honest. Look, I’m marching against the bad people. I even lit a candle”.

Nobody celebrates a tragedy. When was the last time you saw someone run around with pom-poms after an earthquake or a bomb-blast, yelling "YAY! So many dead people! Woo-Hoo! Thank you God"? Everyone is sad about bad things that happen to the (supposedly) innocent. I put ‘supposedly’ in brackets, because none of us are saints dropped straight from heaven into the never ending tragedy, we call Earth. NO! NOT EVEN YOU! (but I still love you) Why go one whole step further, and do something utterly senseless?

Consider the recent blasts and random firing at Mumbaikars. What do we do? We make communities. We ask people to forward hate messages. That itself is a disgusting racket that was very well explained in this post. Then, we walk with candles in our hands, and waste a perfectly good Sunday.

Don’t tell me that you are doing it for the victims. If you freaking knew any of them, enough to care, you’d sit home and mourn in a quiet corner. You would go to their graves and pray for them to rest in peace. Don’t tell me that ‘This is what he would have done, if he was here today’. I swear I will sock you black, blue, indigo and purple and I’d do it all over again until you’ll have to carry yourself back home in a goddamn bucket. I'll tell you why you're doing it. You're doing it just for the heck of it. The only reasons that seem good enough to encourage a person into participation are "Hey, they're doing it too, maybe I should join in, its not like I have a brain of my own to think for myself", "What the heck, its either this or Sunday television" and "People will think I am sensitive, plus that dude/chic ahead is so unbearably hot!"

What are you trying to prove? Unity? "We stand by each other in times of utter chaos and turmoil." Unity my foot - my right foot and my left foot, everybody's goddamn feet for that matter. If terrorists open fire at a peace march, will you shield your fellow countrymen from the spray of bullets. NO! You will run home crying to mommy, daddy, tommy, Jennifer Aniston - whoever is available to run to? If you don't, you're freakin stupider than those who ran home (unless you were feeling suicidal. Then its ok, seriously).

If you want to do something useful, go shake up the government or any individual organization that you see burying security rules six feet under. Go stand outside their gates, yell and scream. Make specific demands about security. No, ‘Improve Mumbai’s security’ is not a specific demand. ‘I want security “here”, “here” and “here”’ is specific. “I want the security guard outside the mall I shop at, (to pretend, at the most) to go through everyone’s bags in detail, when we enter the mall, and not just play peek a-boo with its contents” is specific. It’s a small price to pay when you compare it to “COMING OUT ALIVE AND NOT CHARRED”.

What the hell is a peaceful candle march supposed to do anyway? Maybe the terrorists are watching the march on television.
Terrorist A: OMFG! They’re marching!
Terrorist B: And they got candles! Shit! We’re never gonna make it out of here alive! Shit! Shit!
Terrorist C: Ofcourse we’re gonna make it out alive. We’re in freaking Miami, enjoying a good tan along the beach, and those morons are trying to scare us with candles, ten days after we nearly burned down one of their best tourist attractions.

The next time you wish to do something useful, try and think about it LOGICALLY and also consider its after effects (if any, whatsoever, on anything). However, if you have a Sunday to spare, and you are tired of watching (and re-watching) the video recording of the famous “Snail Formula One Racing” you had recorded last monsoon on a similar uneventful Sunday, then please go ahead and march (and expect people like me to be mean to you, at their blogs).

The Terrorist Attacks in Mumbai :|

2008-12-05T15:47:00.000-08:00

See, I've become smarter with time. Notice how the 'unique title' of this post will increase my chances of showing up in a Google search. First of all, I would like to apologize for the title, especially if the Google thing really worked, and you got here expecting a two page long essay in 'time-date-incident' format. We're all selfish morons deep down, don't give me that look. Second, I'd like to dump the silly-goofy tone get down to the topic, on a serious note.

The 'burning Taj' week was pathetic, not just from the unforgivable destruction of 'life and property' point of view, but also from the 'absentees at work' point of view. Thursday and Friday saw nearly 50% attendance, which is pretty decent for Mumbai since we are a pure chicken city. Fortunately for us 'brave ones', the terrorists didn't chose to discover the suburbs. The rumours did though. By Friday evening, everyone at work was sick and tired of the news. We went from the 'glued to news website' phase to the 'read headlines and go get your toast sandwich before the break ends' phase, all in three days. Undoubtedly, we were all hurt and disappointed, but (temporary) patriotism did not bounce around uncontrollably. Nobody grumbled about politicians. NOBODY AT ALL! Nobody wished out loud, how they'd like the terrorists to meet their gory end. We were all just thankful for not being dead and part of the headlines. Everyone tried their level best to keep the atmosphere light and pleasant (everyone but the air conditioner X-| ).

Through the following week, I read through tonnes of headlines, screaming in bold about Mumbai bouncing back. I realized that most of us didn't have much to bounce back from. Life moves on as usual, even if death is just a few kilometers away. Mumbai has a funny way of helping people grow.

Be very afraid

2008-11-05T23:56:00.000-08:00

There are three things any middle class Mumbai family should fear –
• Anti-social elements
• The Police
• The Media (bearers of ‘news’).

When India fought away the British, newspapers were a powerful weapon that stretched out to common man, as a motivator and a messenger of both victory and defeat. Our leaders pleaded to the masses, inspired them when freedom seemed like nothing but a distant dream and consoled them when they starred violence in its face. Ever since, the media has been placed on pedestal that has been worshiped and respected for its bravery and honesty.

Why does this God, whom we have raised to this position, turn around and destroy his own people, for juicier headlines?

It is true that the media does bring forth the complete truth, 15% of the time. What happened to the other 85? Moreover, what happened to those laws, that the media should swear by? Do they even exist?

When a celebrity, hounded by camera men and reporters, in joy and in sorrow, turns around and drives a punch into an annoying camera man’s nose, he have to apologize, a.s.a.p. because that camera man belongs to a mafia that can crush that celebrity’s life and fortune in the blink of an eye; mentally, financially and socially.

This argument, however, will not be considered valid, since celebrities ‘are not human’, ‘they do not have a personal life’, ‘they have sold themselves to the public, ever since they stepped into the limelight’. They are not where they are today because of ‘their talent’, but because we chose to put them there, and we have every right to ‘harass’ the life out of them.

Anyway, coming down the social ladder, a little closer to home; consider the following situation:
You are happily married, you have a loving spouse, an adorable child and the dog you always wanted. Your job has been sprinkled with raises and promotions. Life is nothing short of perfect.
One fine morning, you are accused of something. There are three types of “something”s you can be accused of – moral somethings, financial somethings, or a combination of both.
The police wind up at your doorstep, with the media (miraculous isn’t it?). You are arrested and taken away. Your journey, from your house to the police vehicle, is marked by remarks and stinging questions from the media. The moment you are driven away, you know that your family’s suffering has just begun.

They will not spare your spouse, especially if you are unlucky enough to be the husband. They will not dream of sparing your child. Nothing like ‘tears’ to get those ratings soaring. In the event that you manage to prove your innocence (if you are innocent), they will stalk you, until they find more fruitful prey. It doesn’t take a genius to look around and notice the suffering and humiliation others have endured thanks to the media.

Be it a tragedy, an accusation or a crime – trust the media to ruin the situation beyond repair. Most of you must have never been a victim to media. Neither have I. That does not mean, that it can never happen to YOU.

[This article does not mean to hurt the sentiments of those sections of the media, that continue to bring ‘news’ to the people, and not ‘hollow gossip’ in the guise of news.]

Wife’s Rant

2008-10-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

There’s a pretty li’l place,
I call my heart,
And you been living there,
Baby, right from the start,
And paying your rent,
With hugs and kisses,
And “I need you”s,
And “I love you, Mrs.”

But you don’t hang out,
In my heart anymore,
The moment you’re in,
You’re out the other door,
Busy with friends,
Playing cards and pool,
And I’m sitting at the window,
Waiting like a fool..

So baby now I’m angry,
And I love you,
But I hate you,
And even though you’re stupid,
You still knew,
That I would date you..
And I can’t figure out,
What’s happening with my life,
One day I’m your girlfriend,
And the next, I’m your wife..

Note:
I barely remember when I wrote this. It showed up when I was searching my computer for something else, as usual. I think it isn't complete. Feel free to do the honors.

Life ÷ New Divider

2008-10-15T02:39:00.000-07:00

Recently, the BMC realized that I haven't been giving it the regular attention it deserves. Hence, its new contribution to my colony.

Dividers, as we knew them, are ancient history. A road divider need not serve its original purpose of existence. Now, it should be rolled in granite and stand nearly a foot above 'road level'.

The completed master piece, has bars along its sides, in order to prevent any human being from climbing onto it during busy traffic hours; an important and logical precautionary measure to keep the (soon to be wilted) plants safe from people, who would have used it to protect themselves from considerate BEST drivers and other vehicle owners, who have less than 30% control over their vehicles on a steep slope like this one. No, you cannot tell how steep the slope is, because I was standing on the slope while I took the picture, which caused some laws of physics to mess with my camera's ability to capture the intense stupidity of this new work of art erected in place of what could have saved lives and reduced accidents.

However, what common man fails to see, is that this is no beautification project, but a desperate attempt at population control after condom vending machines failed.
This also targets those sections of society that are highly unproductive at that particular (st)age, eg. :
school going children,
the elderly,
the drunk,
the high, etc.

Then again, who wouldn't want to be crushed to death near (/at) a beautiful divider like that?

Dogs and Sucker Fish

2008-10-12T03:56:00.000-07:00

Dogs are an eminent part of society. They are the people, who give inconsideration and heartlessness an all new meaning. They are the reason ‘sucker fish, have an identity in society.

A dog usually has a powerful personality. He is analytical and patient. He singles out his prey, and uses only tried and tested hunting techniques. A dog knows to keep his sucker fish happy. The more tactical his manner, the more sucker fish wind up in his net.

A dog can always identify another dog. Like real canines, they too switch to defensive, when faced by competition. A dog will always hate other dogs. Similarly, sucker fish will always hate the other dog, and his sucker fish, simply because, their masters are at loggerheads with each other.

A sucker fish is close to being a nobody in society. People will recognize him, only by his master. Therefore, a sucker fish will try his best to stay in his master’s good books. Once he is not associated with his master, he will lose most of his friends and his popularity. A sucker fish will stoop to any level to stay fixed to his master; be it being the butt of all jokes when his master, the dog, is trying his hand at impressing pretty women, or bearing the brunt of his master’s frustration, the sucker fish takes it all. A sucker fish yearns for trade secrets from his dog, and apes him whenever possible.

Dogs are generally grateful to the existence of their personal sucker fish, but they wouldn't dare show it in public. The sucker fish will always be treated as a sucker fish, in the presence of others, even the other sucker fish, of the same dog. When alone, the dog may be a little lenient with his sucker fish and might even grant him ‘free will’ if he feels exceedingly generous.

A sucker fish rarely leaves his dog. However, if a highly influential dog begins to give the sucker fish attention, without the knowledge of his current dog, then the sucker fish might consider getting himself a new master.

Most dogs are sucker fish, to another higher up dog. Very rarely do we find dogs, that haven’t needed another dog’s support to climb the social power ladder. All sucker fish dream of being a dog someday, but every sucker fish cannot become a dog.

At the end of the day, one cannot understand, which is worse – being a dog, or a sucker fish.

The *k Up

2008-10-08T02:06:00.000-07:00

This world knows two types of rants - ordinary rants and pure rants. A rant never lacks passion (unless you are a complete dud and have no idea as to how emotions are translated into words). An ordinary rant is calculative and censored. Although it does convey the writer's message, it holds back a considerable amount of emotion, that could better describe the fire (read: anger) the writer burn in, as he writes.

A pure rant may not be garnished with flowery vocabulary, but spews hot molten lava that the reader can almost feel through his computer screen. And now, *drumroll* for the post that inspired this pacao (read: boring lecture that one is subjected to) philosophy -> (erm.. click please).

Enjoy the pure rant this blog offers, at (somewhat) regular intervals.

Destroy Drug Users - Not Drugs (?!)

2008-10-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

Good morning Tuesday! Ah! Not such a good morning for all those youngsters busted last night, though. Yes, yet another high profile drug bust at the 'Bombay 72 Degrees East' pub thanks to Kiran Hundal and Afzal Khan (Adarsh Samaj Sevak Sangh - NGO). They've been applauded for their wonderful work on the first page of the Mumbai Mirror.

By now, you might sense this bitter tone lingering around randomly in my post. Its not a random bitter tone. I am utterly frustrated at the way drug users are treated.

"No Manisha, drug users are bad and evil people. They deserve to be punished, publicly humiliated and have their pictures printed in newspapers. They do not deserve a respectable future, because they DID DRUGS."

All those who think like that^ may stop reading, because I might just ruin your day for you and vice versa.

Temporarily setting aside the ‘sin’ these youngsters have committed, let us look at their lives. Their normal daily lives.

Many of these 'revelers' are normal working people, or students.
Competition redefines itself with every passing day.
They have problems - big ones, small ones.
They may have busy parents who rarely have time to sit them down and talk to them, leave alone discuss life's problems, complications and hurdles with them.
Stress is a disease running through every cell in their body.
The only cure they see, are easy stress busters.
That, unfortunately, includes alcohol and cigarettes and drugs.
Even worse, they aren’t as strong willed as you are, to not give in, or as chicken willed as I am, to not take a risk and find temporary peace and happiness.

This was no justification. This was just a backdrop. Some of the ‘guilty’ may not fit the category described above. Some may have just been there, because they wanted to spend the evening with friends, they may have known about the drugs, they may have not known. Some might have been there to have a good time and actually ‘dance’. Anyway, their fault.

Now let us take a look at what damage these youngsters have done to society.

- They have consumed drugs, gotten addicted.
- They have hurt their own bodies (needles aside).
- They have dozed off on sofas and chairs thus violating the rights of sofas and chairs to not be used to by drug users.
- They have blabbered rubbish, thus insulting the language in which they blabbered rubbish.
- They fallen asleep, danced like no one was watching, felt good and enjoyed themselves.
- Because of them, the world will end sooner than it was supposed to.

What they could have done instead, was consume large quantities of alcohol to get a similar high and go around vandalizing property, picking fights or creating a ruckus to vent their pent up frustrations, which would eventually lead to their arrest.

OR

They could smoke a pack of cigarettes, somewhere where smoking is allowed (since the ban was imposed), like their homes, but when their parents were away, since no Indian kid I know, would smoke in front of his or her parents, for reasons other than getting beaten up black and blue and a few rainbow colors. Then, they could spray the room with air freshener and deodorant and pollute the atmosphere further.

No! These foolish ones decided against hurting anyone else (physically) but themselves.

What was even more amazing was the newspaper report. The first page brilliantly flashes a picture of one of the detained with Kiran Hundal. Yes, the detainee’s face can be seen. They should have printed her name too, just for kicks. Pictures of the detainees have been splashed all over the eighth page of the newspaper, even when they didn’t know that they were being photographed. We can see loads of faces there. Oh, and names they did print, especially the celebrity offspring names or those who are "somebodys" in society. They make the best paparazzi targets ever! Looks like nobody at the Mumbai Mirror office knows to use the blur tool.

Thanks to the bust, we have loads of detainees, whose futures are close to ruined. We have drug peddlers going underground temporarily. We have drug prices hitting the roof, since a bust has its own sweet butterfly effect on everything, which will lead to a harsh hard earned money drain, for the regular patrons (we can live with that). We have parents, who will never dream of trusting their children out at night, but they won't sit them down and console them (they deserve it, no?). We have a society that will remind these youngsters of their ‘sin’ forever.

Conclusion:
Drugs are bad, they ruin lives. They also hurt those whose lives are connected to the drug users. DOING DRUGS IS WRONG. NOTHING ON EARTH CAN JUSTIFY IT. That does not give the law, the right to humiliate and destroy drug users, even before they realize that they want to opt of drugs and head for rehab.

Society was meant to heal and help people improve, not punish and cut off all escapes, other than suicide.

See, its not that hard to blur faces.

Kiran Hundal gets her share of publicity at the cost of this girl, on the front page. Unlike this picture, her face was not blurred.

The only sensible picture printed.

Those who managed to hide from the cameras were lucky.

One of the detainees makes an unsuccessful attempt to escape from the court premises, as he is chased by photographers - Mumbai Mirror
Hunt him down like a dog, right, you sick paparazzi leeches?!

To all those who will comment with - "What they did was wrong, why are they covering their faces now?"
I'll say, "Murderers and rapists are given a chance to cover their faces before cameras. I doubt these people would like to see themselves in newspapers related to such an incident, even if they are guilty."

When complicated days get fun..

2008-10-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

My friend, has an online girlfriend, who is also his cellphone girlfriend, but he has not seen her in real life.

My friend's online girlfriend is two timing him, with his friend, whom she calls daily, on the sly.

His friend, whom she calls daily on the sly, went to meet her today, even before he could meet her, so he is unhappy.

His friend, who went to meet her today, even before he could meet her, happens to be my ex best friend.

He is my ex best friend, because he is mad at me for not accepting his proposal and refuses to talk to me.

I am mad at him, because I thought we were best friends, and best friends do not stop talking over such trivial issues.

That makes two of us mad at my ex best friend, i.e. my friend, whose online girlfriend, my ex best friend went to see, even before my friend could see her, and me, because my ex best friend refuses to talk to me.

To get even with him, we (i.e. my friend with the online girlfriend and my ex best friend's ex best friend - me) sprinkled salt on the shoulder of his t-shirt and took a picture, because it looked like dandruff.

OK, maybe it wasn't that funny, but we laughed our guts out. It was a hell lotta salt :p

PerfSpot

2008-10-02T21:39:00.000-07:00

Katie:

Are you having trouble signing up?

You:

Katie:

After you have joined I'll be more than happy to answer all your questions, just enter your information on the registration page to create your free account.

You:

you're ugly

Katie:

I'm sorry, you must be logged into your account to chat with our customer support representatives.

You:

freak

Katie:

I'm sorry, you must be logged into your account to chat with our customer support representatives.

You:

bimbo?

Katie:

I'm sorry, you must be logged into your account to chat with our customer support representatives.

*arghhhhh*

I hate hot bots with absolutely no reaction to the words 'ugly' and 'bimbo'.
Knock yourself out with Katie at PerfSpot .

In order to initiate a conversation with Katie:
1. Click the link provided above, or this one.
2. Try to close the Tab in which it opens.
3. A warning shall pop up, that goes something like this- "One of our members would like to chat with you! Please hit 'Cancel' on the next window to remain on this page."
4. Enter Katie.

This is the most tolerant customer support representative (bot) ever.
Enjoy a few sentences, get bored and leave. I pity the lame guys who actually fell for this trick. Maybe I should just join PerfSpot for the kicks. It may prove to be a good inspiration (read: fodder) for my blog.

Construction problems

2008-09-26T00:52:00.000-07:00

Are you a guy? When I say 'guy', I mean male, like opposite of female type male. If you are, then you might not understand the frustration I am about to spew out, into this post.

Since the past few days, the number of constructions in the neighborhood has shot up, remarkably. There's one at every turn, every corner, every freaking road has one complementary construction, somewhere down the line. With constructions, come construction workers.

(picture used for illustration purposes only, does not belong to author)

Before you accuse me of discrimination on grounds of economic conditions, may I remind you, that I (like many other, who chose not to speak up) happen to be the victim here. Moreover, you cannot deny, that there is something about the way most of them look at you, that sends a chill bungee jumping down (and up) your spine, and it definitely isn't 'just in my mind'. I also do not mean to include the ones innocent of such behavior. The reason why I am so confident about the guilty being construction site workers, is because I have seen them lurking in and around those sites from time to time.

Not so long ago, there have been incidents, where they would pass lewd remarks or make disgusting sounds, when women/ girls passed by. As advised our elders, those incidents have been overlooked, since they didn't harm us in any way (directly atleast. Its not like women have any self esteem or need to be respected, right?). The main logical reason would be, that even if we did get down to arguing with them, people would rarely step up and help us, if necessary. Agreed, everyone is chicken.

That too would be forgivable, if it wasn't made completely obvious and it didn't come to the notice of those who took advantage of our society's inconsiderate 'none of my business, you can go to hell for all I care' attitude.

Time and again, people have harped upon the fact that the city of Mumbai is safe (for women). It is safer than Delhi, and safer than Calcutta, and safer than Bangalore. Does that make you think Mumbai is safe? Let me bring one tiny point to your notice - Mumbai is safer than many cities, it IS NOT SAFE.

Be it a place of worship (church, where a slum dweller/ construction worker tried to grab me, as I yelled at him to leave me alone, and people nearly ten steps away, watched the "fun") or on my way back from class (where two construction workers/ followed me along an entire road's length and dared to give me a slight push while standing on the divider, waiting to cross) or en I am walking towards a certain destination (and six workers decide to follow me around, all the way for some 10 to 12 minutes, in broad daylight), Mumbai is not safe.

Constructions linger on for months and sometimes years, and the residents of the surrounding areas are the ones who have to bear the brunt. The police are never seen around the area, they're always busy rounding up couples that are coochi kooing in some corner of the colony, or earning extra buck from a helmet-less biker.

Stun guns are illegal in India. The police are allowed to use them, only problem is, they aren't around ever, when necessary.

You may ask, 'why are you sitting home and ranting?', 'why don't you lodge a complaint against these people?'. And how many construction workers and sites do you expect me to lodge complaints against - five, seven, fifteen, eighteen? And then what? Wait till something horrible happens to me, because some builders think of me as a hindrance that should be eliminated at its earliest?

All we can do is wait and watch, as constructions creep up around more corners, and construction workers construct more problems for local women.

The Smart(?) Vodafone SMS Advertisement

2008-09-23T03:31:00.001-07:00

"Hello. Know your Sun Sign predictions - FREE SMS Alerts & listen to your Astro @ 30 paise per minute & Rs. 30/ month subscription."

I fail to see how a Rs. 30 monthly subscription makes the offer SMS alerts free?
Can somebody please help me understand the offer ?!

The best thrid person conversation EVER!

2008-09-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

Daddy: OMG!

Daddy is online.

Mommy: WHAT!

Daddy: turn on star world

Mommy: WHY!

Daddy: The Moment of Truth is running....

Mommy: so is my dad

Daddy: its a simple game, but it is fucking up one guys family real bad

LOL

while interviewing, they may be putting only such type of people on screen

this guy

this guy's answering 'yes' to almost every question!

Mommy: :|

okayyyyy

Daddy: would you participate in such a show?

Mommy: I dont even know what it is about

Daddy: its like, they attach a lie-detection machine to the contestant, then they ask you personal questions like "have u ever had sex with your wife's friends?"

Mommy: :O

Daddy: you can stop anytime you want...

yeah, i know

Mommy: eww never

Daddy: LOL...so too many secrets locked up in that head huh

Mommy: (ahem) no

so what

who doens't have secrets

Daddy: hmm...500,000 USD

Mommy: but I swear, I didn't sleep with any of my friends' wives or husbands

Daddy: LMAO

Mommy: ^_^

Daddy: hmm...I wouldn't actually mind you sleeping with any of your friend's wives... B-)

Mommy: (jaw drops)

>_>

Daddy: I'm kidding

Mommy: lol

I assumed :P

all set for saturday?

Daddy@gmail.com/Home7911FF55 is offline and can't receive messages right now.

Mommy: ok

Sent at 9:55 PM on Tuesday

Daddy: don't worry, i ain't fantasizing anything :P

Mommy: huh

about saturday

what's to fantasize :|

oh freak, you straight right?

Daddy: yes, that's why the fantasy

Mommy: so you were fantasizing! :O

shame shame, tumhari mummy ko naam bolungi

Daddy: LOL

achha, what about saturday?

Mommy: I thght u guys were going

Daddy: umm...yeah, but i

i'm not really into death metal...so not FANTASIZING to tell u the truth

Mommy: so you aren't going

Daddy: no, i'll go

Mommy: lol

Daddy: not so enthu abt it...that's all

Mommy: aaah

Daddy: better than sitting at home or depot i guess

Mommy: true

lol

btw, did the girl in black show up today?

;)

Daddy: no...and I wasn't interested in the girl in black...the girl in grey :P

the girl in black was all touchy-feely with the guy in the group

Mommy: hey

that was later

no fair

Daddy: huh?

Mommy: before the guy came, u liked the one in the black

(is confused)

Daddy: NO...i always liked the girl in grey

especially when she let her hair down

Mommy: LOL

Daddy: but nowadays, i've almost given up hope...(every) girl i meet is hooked up or not interested

Mommy: you're just 21, please stop sounding 60

Daddy: then there are girls who are afraid that I will fly away soon...

Mommy: >_>

uh huh

gee, how stupid!

whatever gave them that idea?!

Daddy: its like aborting the baby even before finding out about the pregnancy

Mommy: wow, that's more like no pregnancy at all

but you are flying away

so they aren't wrong :P

Daddy: ok let me put it this way...say that after pregnancy, you know that the child will have problems later...so instead of continuing ahead, you abort it

you never know, the child could just be a healthy one

Mommy: or, you know that if you ever have a child, there will most probably be a problem with the child, so you just don't do anything, that leads to kids :|

(drumroll)

Daddy: hmm...or is it such that daddy wants mommy to have the child...but the mommy isn't interested in the child?

Mommy: or that the mommy was interested in the child, but by the time the daddy got interested, mommy lost interest and decided against it, since daddy was not gonna be where mommy wanted to be

Daddy: daddy initially got the feeling that mommy wanted the child as much as he did...

Mommy: but daddy didn't do anything about it

Daddy: daddy was a fool before...he wasn't able to interpret mommy's signals...thanks to all those years he spent without interacting with mommys in his childhood

Mommy: rofl

mommys in his childhood

Daddy: doesn't daddy get some consideration?

Mommy: maybe he would have

Daddy: so daddy doesnt stand a chance to have a child with mommy ever?

Mommy: mommy's too old now

no more kids

Daddy: LOL...definitely older than dear old daddy

and mommy's telling daddy, "you're just 21, please stop sounding 60"

Mommy: mommy's advice is never applicable to mommy herself

Daddy: now mommy's just trying to deflect the conversation

btw, on another note, it would be great if you put up this conversation in your community....change the names of course ;-)

Mommy: lol

totally!

what a conversation! hehehehehehe

Daddy: I know...daddy loves conversations with mommy

Mommy: likewise

^_^

Daddy: if only mommy could see how much more daddy loves about mommy...

Mommy: too bad for mommy

Daddy: now daddy's trying hard to have children with other mommies...but is reminded of the good time he had with this particular mommy

Mommy: and another mommy who got him into trouble with her real mommy

(mommy giggles uncontrollably)

Daddy: LOL...that mommy was never in his heart, it was just an infatuation

lets face it, daddy's not going to find a mommy like this one easily...

Mommy: daddies are so easily infatuated >_>

Daddy: well, that's how daddies are built

Mommy: lol

Behind the Cloud of Good

2008-09-12T23:44:00.000-07:00

When a person does something great, when he does something for the greater good, on a large scale, or something that is recognized as a noble cause, people tend to overlook the wrongs that plague his past.

Many people do not even know what that person’s past may have been. There are two kinds of wrongs – the one a person secretly regrets as wrong, and the one that a person sees as something perfectly all right.

I have a friend who is studying his medicine in Russia right now. He met a girl through me, and soon they were in a relationship. I looked up to this friend of mine, as a great person, because he yearned to do something for his country. He was already involved in political activities, secretly.
My day, my friend called and she was crying over the phone. Later I learned that he had slept with her, and then broken off the relationship. The poor thing didn’t know whether she was pregnant or not. He even refused to buy her contraceptives, until I spent a decent amount of time convincing him over the telephone.

When you look at this situation, you might say, “What was the girl thinking? How could she just sleep with him?” Come to think of it, I might have said the same thing, had it happened to someone I did not know, so closely. Stop reading for a moment, and think – What if this had happened to me? Or my sister? Or my best friend? Don’t think of all the people you know, it could have happened to, just one.

The guy moved on to another girlfriend, whom he introduced to us a few days ago. He showed no sign of remorse, stared me in the eye when he introduced me to his new girlfriend. Soon he will become a doctor, and will return home to take on his responsibility towards his country. Some day, he will do something great for our country and people will glorify him.

At that time, no one will see him as a person, who took advantage of her blind trust in him.

Is this how the good works? People who hear of their bad deeds, might even dismiss them as rumours. The question is, can a person's wrongs vanish behind the clouds of his good deeds?

The Discouraging Mission

2008-09-02T03:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone's pretty much taken it for granted, that I'm gonna wind up alone, like those old ladies with cats, only I'll be the old lady with cats because I like cats, and not because that's what lonely old ladies do. Ok, make that everyone but my mom, she still thinks that I'm gonna find Mr. Right and settle down, make babies when I'm free and bored, run a house, wash-clean-scrub, you know, the typical wedded life nightmare, but I don't wanna burst her bubble, so I just play along and say, "Whoa! That guy's cute", and "He'd make a great husband", etc. etc. Don't misunderstand me, I am not remotely lesbian, and I doubt I'll be turning lesbian anytime soon either. That doesn't mean that I will hop into a relationship anytime in this lifetime either. Now you'd ask, "What does this girl have against relationships?. She's decently intelligent, presentable if not jaw-droppingly hot and also has a somewhat twisted sense of humour, that means the only problem she has, is with men". That would most probably be followed by a low grunt that coincidentally rhymes with the word "sexist".

My problem is not with men. I like guys, they're nice and funny and stronger. They don't comment on your hair style, or ask why your nails aren't manicured, or recommend 20,000 odd places you can buy something from. Then again, nice guys, if single and interested, lead to temporarily nice relationships, which eventually lead to bad times. My main problem isn't guys, my main problem is relationships, which are indirectly or directly caused by guys.

After giving it much thought than required, I've come up with the perfect solution to my problem. You see, just verbally spreading the word around that you aren't interested in a relationship doesn't have the impact, it should. We live in a time, where actions speak louder than words. This situation calls for action. This is how I intend on executing my perfect masterplan, in the event that I meet a charming sweetheart whom I may lose my heart to.

1. Talk:
You never know if they're interested unless you talk to them, right?

2. If he shows interest:
Do not show interest back. Trust me, I'm not a mean heart-breaker on the lose, I have feelings myself, and I know it hurts like hell, when your heart breaks.

3. If he stubbornly continues:
Casually let him in on my 'happily ever after with my cats' secret. Guys know a subtle hint when someone throws it at them. They just pretend not to know, and use it as their excuse on every possible occasion.

4. If he still refuses to get the message, and asks me out:
I go out. How bad can it be? I mean, we are friends because we get along, right? This is the point where I stop dropping subtle hints and drill it in, the entire 'I don't want relationship' part, with special effects.

This step may have any of the two consequences;
(a) being the perfect gentleman he is, he will let go,
(b) he just wants to get some action out of you, so he refuses to take no for an answer, until he gets it.

In the case of case (b), I'll recommend a nice boat ride, and throw him off half way.
I really do hope I bump into a case (b), it will help get my message across so much better. "Date gone bad" gossip spreads fast enough to discourage any other future hopefuls.

All those who aren't deterred by this post, should wear life jackets while on a date with me, and bullet proof vests if you intend on trying anything funny.

Maharashtra Government finally "relented"

2008-09-01T23:03:00.000-07:00

That's the sentence that had me laughing my insides out this morning. The issue, however, is no laughing matter. Here's the story in brief -

1986:
A project is handed over to 19 land owners of 230 acres of land, who came under the Powai Area Development Scheme, by the Mumbai Metropolitan Region Development Authority. The central idea is to build affordable flats for Mumbaikars. Hiranandani builders take up the project.

2008:
After several individual complaints, MAHARASHTRA GOVERNMENT FINALLY RELENTS and a six month inquiry into the matter is ordered. The MMRDA finds that less than 15% of the flats are 'affordable', as per the agreement. Later, they also realized that a 'few' other terms of the agreement have been buried six feet under.

I wonder, why did it take the MMRDA 22 long years, to check on one of its own projects? How can one large organization overlook a 230acre project going haywire? Isn't the involvement of the organization in this entire controversy more than obvious?

Undoubtedly, no one would dare question a government organization like the MMRDA. We can, however, feel happy about the fact, that this controversy has and will, grease the palms of our hard working government officials, connected directly and indirectly to the case.

Our government rules!

Awkward One

2008-08-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

Me to Shayoni: You know, when you and E are at it, I just sit back and watch.. dun feel like interrupting..

E:
Lol, tell her that she can interrupt us anytime she wants, I don't really mind.

Now for the situation that led to "sentence":
The conversation that follows, is about Shayoni and E, taking all the noobs' cases at the Sarcasm forum. Shay and E are two of the most sarcastic members of the community, and also its moderators.
The term "hitting the comm" means "attacking and mercilessly killing noobs at the forum".
Under normal conditions, being "at it" usually refers to the "process of making babies", as explained to me, by my close friend - Bond. (explanation was only given in theory, mind you)

An extract from the conversation:

Shayoni.: hahahaha

Man, I miss you.

E and I have been hittin' the comm from time to time.

Manisha: Hey

Good idea.

Lemme pounce on a few people too.

You know, when you and E are at it, I just sit back and watch.. dun feel like interrupting.

Shayoni.:

Albeit, that sentence did sound a bit twisted. :s

Manisha: OMG! I just realized.

Shayoni.:

I told E what you said.

E said: Lol, tell her that she can interrupt us anytime she wants, I don't really mind.

(This post has been edited, since my previous explanation bounced over everyone's head).

The BMC Torture continues

2008-08-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

The BMC is allergic to appreciation. One simply cannot overlook the corporation's constant efforts to make sure that the common Mumbaikar resents and detests it from the bottom of the bottom of his heart.

Every year, the BMC makes (fake) promises about solving flood related problems, and every year, its "Excuse" department, walks away with an award for a well written script. If only they would put in half the effort into saving the city, than sitting back and spinning tall tales.

Surprisingly, its new move to slap fines on litterbugs with the help of 2,000 new recruits (college students) in the city, actually went down pretty well with the public. Many responsible citizens applauded the BMC's smart thinking.

The corporation realized its folly a little too late. 'Words once spoken, cannot be taken back'. Similarly, this move could not be withdrawn, or the BMC's true intentions would come to light. Banking on the rain for criticism from the public, was too big a risk. They needed to act fast, and hence, they spread the good news to animal lovers.

Animal lovers can be fined Rs. 500 if caught feeding strays. Cats, dogs and cows - you may say your prayers, and order your coffins, because people will now stand back and watch you starve to death, thanks to the new revelation. We can also expect an increase in animal attacks, as hungry frustrated animals will be desperately searching for sources of food.

Thus, thanks to their quick thinking and inhuman attitude, the BMC has encouraged animal attacks in the city, and also ensured their slow public killing.

(applause)

When the Husbands come down..

2008-08-06T03:36:00.000-07:00

Competition and the need to be at the top of the wealth chain, especially in close circles, drives some wives and many husbands abroad, in search of better employment opportunities. What goes on, on the other side of the planet, I do not know; but the changes here, are definitely noteworthy.

Here's an interesting example of wives playing mice, when the cats are away.

Age: Mid fifties.
Children: A daughter in her early twenties and a son in his mid twenties.

A perfect desperate house-wife. Her dressing sense makes her seem "available" to all generations, at all times. Make-up flows like water. Love songs are played while other womens' husbands pass by. The sari blouses are as tiny as they come, the hairstyles are outright frightening, the dresses hug her more than she may have ever hugged him(hubby), the night-gown have necks low enough to make her neck part of her bust, and her conversations with the "younger" ones from the opposite sex stretch to all eternity, in closed cars.

When the hubby comes home:
The make-up is minimal. There is a sudden discovery of a looser wardrobe. Conversations with young boys/men are restricted to "hello". Yes, not even a "Goodbye". Night-gown seem to have been borrowed from a nearby convent.

This example represents 80% (80%, not 100) of the women, who live away from their husbands. If they aren't haunted by guilt, why the sudden change when their life-partners re-appear on the scene? The change, undoubtedly, lasts only until hubby dear is dropped back to the airport.

If they cannot tolerate the distance, why let the husband work abroad? With more and more husbands working abroad, I can see more wives sporting double-faced characters.

All we can do is watch, as relationships and society degrade to the point of no return.

Animal Lover Migraine

2008-06-28T01:56:00.000-07:00

Its funny how some people assume they are entitled to lecture people without knowing head nor tail about what that person is going through in his or her life. Take for instance, these "adopt an animal" promoters. I think its very sweet, that they volunteer at animal care shelters, and its even better that they make people aware of the suffering and misfortune the poor creatures have to live through, when left to fend for themselves on the streets. Suggesting that one should adopt an animal also goes a long way in helping these animals in the long run.

Some of them, (promoters) go ahead and pester people into adopting animals out of guilt, or emotional blackmail. This is what I find downright sickening.

I had an unpleasant online conversation with a person I barely know. We've been on each other's friendlists for a decent amount of time, but we never spoke much. In short, I know nothing about him and he knows nothing about me, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, besides each other's names maybe.

He goes ahead and lectures me about adopting a cat, and giving it a good, warm and cozy home. Now those who are familiar with my "family situation" and my "not so recent" past, will burst out laughing at the very thought of me taking in an animal, like I don't have enough confusion, drama and tragedy surrounding my daily existence. Those who don't, will just have to wait till the suspense is finally broken, a few decades later, at this very blog.

Animals and plants are quite a responsibility. I am a student doing my final year of my Bachelor's degree in Commerce. I get 6 hours of sleep everyday, tonnes of homework, not enough time to juggle between college and classes, barely enough time to wash my hair (leave alone shampoo and condition it), my nails have transformed into claws, and my overall presentation is that of a refugee living in a tent, on a field. In the midst of all this non-sense, I manage to find a few minutes everyday, to check my scraps and post a post or two at my community, on Orkut.

I am guilty of "wasting" my time online, in an attempt to keep myself from losing my mind completely. I think its only fair that I spend some time with my friends online, since I don't have a life as such in reality, beyond my books.

This animal lover bombards me with guilt bombs, in an attempt to convince me to adopt a cat. He goes on to imply that I'm a fake animal lover (that would clearly explain why I contacted the PETA, when dogs were being harassed in my area, so that I could know what "I" could do to stop it, well there isn't anything I can do.. so we leave it at that.. anyway) and all my health and family problems are hilarious.

I think, its just disgustingly unfair to belittle someone's problems especially if you know nothing about them. My "excuses" were somehow not "genuine" enough. I agree that if I sacrifice my sleep and my health, I can take care of a cat till my health completely fails me. Then I suppose the cat, out of gratitude will take care of my parents in their old age and also manage to generate an income that will support my medical expenses.

Pointing out, that many people who take in animals under any such pressure or out of guilt, will never truly love the animal and might even abandon it down the line, didn't make any sense to him. He, however, was pretty sure everyone who took in a pet, would give it all the love and care in the world. He reminded me of those annoying people from call centers, who call pestering you to take a credit card. They, however, spare you the emotional blackmail. No matter how much he tried to make me feel horrible about myself, he only managed to throw up an annoying hum in my head, like a wasp near your ear.

I was surprisingly mean (and I'd say it was well deserved) to him for a considerable section of the conversation, but he just seemed all out to ruin my day. I, obviously wasn't going to give in to a kid's attempt to an emo speech. After he left, I apologized for being mean through an offline message.

Just so you know, he volunteers at an animal shelter at present, but ironically, doesn't have any pets.
And I do intend on adopting one kitty cat, down the line, if I'm in a position to do so.

Bottomline:
If you want to do something good for our great animal kingdom, do it yourself.
Stop imposing it on others.

Face to Face, with the enemy.

2008-06-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

I looked deep into his eyes. The fear we both felt was evident. It was just the two of us. How hard could this be? Then again, it was never easy in the past. I knew his kind all too well by now. But today, I had the advantage.

I wouldn't scream and hide. I would fight. He was weaker than me. I was armed. I had nothing to fear. Yet, when he moved, my heart leaped. One step was all it took to shake my confidence. I felt a shiver run down my spine. I was disgusted.

At this point of time, I could tell that he wasn't particulary enthusiastic about my presence in the same room. I cautiously moved towards the window. I clicked open the latch and it flew open. This was my way of offering him a peaceful settlement. I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted him to leave. He couldn't leave by the front door. There were too many people in the house.

The suddenness of the window opening caught him off guard. He began to run the other way. I blocked his path. At that moment, I think he understood that I only meant to help. I led him to his escape route. As he stood at the window, he turned to look at me one last time, and then he was gone.

In short, I shooed a lizard out the window, with the help of my trusty broom :D

Let's torture a dog today..

2008-06-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

The average Mumbai dog, has nowhere to go besides the cold street corners and over loaded dustbins. He wags his tail when he comes face to face with familiar faces. He barks away dogs that stray into his territory. He lives off scraps and garbage from 'generous' Mumbai-kars.

The Municipal Corporation of Mumbai, however, noticed how easy a life the average Mumbai stray lives, and decided that it was about time he was punished for his destiny.

As I walked back from college this morning, I realized there was an unbearable stench in the air. The source of the stench was a municipal van MH 04 R 612, that picks up dogs for their regular birth control session. It was nearly impossible to stand anywhere within 10 feet of the vehicle. It may have not been cleaned for months. A few enthusiastic workers jumped off the front, armed with nooses. They weren't in uniform.

The dogs kept barking at the van. After they saw their nooses, there was silence. The dogs tucked their tails between their legs and began to whimper. Four to five workers cornered one dog. The poor guy was pettrified. Stuck in the middle of the road, in the midst of oncoming traffic, he had nowhere to go. He was so scared that he 'peed in his pants', atleast that would have been the case if dogs wore clothes. Anyway, one worker threw the noose around the dogs neck, and tightened it to the extent that the dogs could barely breathe. Yes, he was nearly strangled to death. After a long struggle, the dog managed to loosen it to the extent of letting some air into his lungs. That, however, was not the end of his ordeal.

The dog tried to get to his feet. The worker knocked him down, and thought it would be far more amusing, if he dragged the poor creature all the way to the van. The dog was dashed against a stray rock, banged on the road again, and then, by his noose, lifted up into the van.

The dog knew all too well, that once the noose was off, he would be trapped in that horrid vehicle for "God knows how long", so he grabbed the noose by his teeth. In an attempt to make him let go of the noose, the worker tugged at it with all his might, while another closed the door of the van till there was only a crack open. The "smart" worker, then kept pulling the noose and letting go, so that the dog's head would bang against the door till he held on to the noose. This happened some odd eight to ten times. The dog, unbearably battered, finally gave up.

One lady argued with the workers, that the dogs taken never return. They just ignored her and returned to their routine of daily animal torture.

Its true that the dogs are being metted out such inhuman treatment for a 'very good cause', but we would rather have our lanes full of puppies tugging at our shoes laces, than watch these animals tortured away to glory, for the entertainment of a bunch of sadistic creeps.

Friendshipper Series - Chapter 2

2008-06-14T01:36:00.000-07:00

Mr. Elliot[:D] JuSt BrInG It~

About Me:

Hi,My name is ...actually ya'll cud call me nethin wid luv!!!!
(His name must be way too embarrassing to mention on the profile. It has to be something between "chunnu" and "twinkle" though.)

I was a shy type of a guy,Almost out of it.
(Where "it" = mind)

But really good and loving and careing in nature aswell,
("aswell" were meant to be together from the beginning of time, he only fulfilled their destiny)
("careing" is a word)

I don't like to hurt others.
But i feel,I do hurt people without any intention(So Im sorry).
(Thats a nice line to use when you run over someone with a truck, isn't it?)

Im very Friendly...I can make ma buddys laugh anytime with ma sad non-veg jokes...lol...im expert in dat..haha...
(I'm sure people were laughing at his "sad non veg jokes" and not at the "sad non veg JOKER")

Im very Confused in life...what to do what not to do...
(Unlike all of us who know exactly what we're supposed to do, right form the moment we're born)

All ways thinking sumthin...i my self donno abt wat..lol..
(He thinks, yet he doesn't know what he's thinking about, that makes sense.)

n ya...I dont like 1 quality in me that im too HONEST...lol,
(Yes, I agree with him, "lol" indeed)

hehe...n neva on time...if i have a gf...she has to wait for me allways...hehe...
(Talk about predicting the future! Although I am quite certain about the "wait for me allways" part, I am doubtful about the possibility of the occurrence "girlfriend" factor, ever)

I like to make friends,
But unfortunately i never had a true friend.
(All those people telling the truth about you, behind your back, my sympathies.)

i hate people who are snobs and racsit,
("racsit" ! Yay! Jumbled words! I swear I have the answer on the tip of my tongue.)

I hate people who make friends seeing their status-money-looks,for me all these factors have no place for falling in love or for friendship...i jus see the persons heart..thats what is IMP...
(Inspite of all this, he still doesn't have any true friends, makes me wonder...)

And i never had a girlfriend
(Damn! Girls must really be stupid to miss out on you.)

yet but really looking forward to have a special cute female friend.....Who will be for me.....Is that U???...lol
(He takes it for granted that all the people viewing his profile will be female)

yeah coz m happily committed..
(What? Huh? Confused? Conflict with self? Split personality kicked it? Loss of brain? All of the above.)

yeah I am Religious as well...I try my best to pray 5 times in a day...N allways pray to god to keep me away from all sorts of EVIL...
(How can one stay away from himself?)

1st i used to dress up like a Pro-Talibanie(Al-Qaida)...haha...now like Michel Jackson...lol...juss kiddin...
(Neat role models, yes we believe the "juss kiddin" part)

Any ways...Hey frgt 2 add 1 more stuff abt me...Above All That...
(Did you know, you can now use the "Edit Profile" feature on Orkut to "EDIT YOUR PROFILE"?!)

Im A Real Naughty Naughty Guy...Who Likes TO Do Naughty Things...I Hope U Know Wat I Mean By Naughty Stuff
;-) ...lol xXx .........................................xXx
(I wonder what you pray, five times a day for... you SICKO)

ANYTHING ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW OR ASK ABOUT ME,PLEASE DO ASK MA GF!!!!.........
(Sure, but which mental asylum?)

hahaha!!! yaya orite....
(What? Are you talking to someone over the phone?)

ya'll cud olso ask me!!!!
("olso" should not be mistaken for "also")

Take Care...Bbye!
ALLAHAFIZ! :-)
(Finally, I thought I had fallen into the bottomless pit of your profile)

Conclusions:
Our friendshiper does not realize the importance of using the spacebar, between a comma and the following alphabet.

He's pretty straight forward regarding his interests => naughty stuff? xXx? The Taliban!

He is happily committed, but he would still like to have a girlfriend(?!?)

Excellent vocabulary and punctuation.

I loved his sense of humour, especially when it came to laughing at his own "jokes".

He is a rapper. Yes, that is something I did not include in the blog post due to vulgarity, but you can always check it out at his profile.

Friendshiper Series - Chapter 1

2008-06-11T01:20:00.000-07:00

As time goes by, out of sheer boredom, I decide to take more pot shots at the 'friendshiper' by analyzing each profile's interesting sections, and giving my "subtle" opinion(s) about the same.

This 'extract' has been taken from the profile of my recent 'friendshipper' - (drumroll)
its pity hard to find someone to love

about me:

my hobbies.......

soo
(so?)
i like to surf , play badminton , crik, t.t.
(what is "crik" again?)

roaming and a bit of my choice of shoping is too in my hobies
('my choice of shopping'? damn! I know a lot of people who love to shop as per other people's choices)
(I notice a strange allergy toward the use of the same alphabet, back to back, when required as per English spelling rules)

but the most --
i love to drive a bit rash and fast
(ok, the last time I checked on "rash driving" it included the "fast" factor too, this reminds me of my physical training teacher who used to say, "run in a round circle")

i even love horse ridding
but i have got very less opotunity for that
(the allergy continues, and THANK YOU GOD FOR SAVING THE HORSE)

i am a bit shy --- but after a good conversation that doesn't remain a prob.
(is that an indirect threat?)

i even like to have good frndz to whom i can share my thoughts
(Oh I like bad friends, you know, the ones who stab you in the back, you get a real kick out of it, he should try it sometimes)

a bit of a day dreamer too...

and wat elzz

rest.... u can chat and
know ur self
(lol, I love this guy's sense of humor)

sports:
hmmmmmmmmmmm manyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy can't specify
(no, they meant to ask about the ones you play, not about every sport that exists on this planet)

music:
a bit fast
a bit raunchy
a bit more loud thats allllll
(frankly speaking, volume controls can change any music to loud music, you just need to work them right)
sometimes i prefer slow n desent music tooooooooooo
('desent' must mean 'decent', and I really can't remember the last time music did a strip tease)

my idea of a perfect first date:
didn't had any -------
will think after it
(didn't "had" any! OMG! I wonder why!?)

Friendshiper - The Evolution

2008-06-11T00:53:00.000-07:00

Gone are the days, when "sexy dudes" and "hot chics" attacked your profile scrapbooks, armed with ASCII designs, outrageous font color combinations and superbad English.

The 'friendshiper' has evolved, into a far more dangerous and equally annoying species. This friendshiper will not run the risk of adding you without a scrap. But he is annoying enough to add you even before you reply to it. The bright colored bold font stays.

"hiee dear, howz u ???"

How many times have you been bombarded by that used-reused-overused-and-overlyoverused line by despo "cool dudes" and "chics" on Orkut? I have lost count, infact I gave up counting some 40 experiences down the line.

Suggestion to Orkut:
Please create a code that sets the status of the sender, of that particular line, to "self destruct" if he, she or it, scraps it to any normal account holder outside their friendlist.

Resident Evil 2.51384 - Attack of the Kangaroo Nation

2008-06-09T03:24:00.000-07:00

As he drove along the quite Australian country road, Bond (name changed) heard something rustle in the bushes. 'Maybe it was just some newly wed rabbit couple or Harry Potter and Ronald Weasly at it', he thought and continued driving by peacefully. Little did he know, that his quiet 03:00am mountain drive would soon take a turn for the worst!

From the corner of his eye, he caught sight of this gigantic grey furry creature, charging towards his harmless, defenseless four wheeler. The creature lunged towards the car door, with a horrifying expression strewn across its wild face. The mirror broke. The car door was dented. The lights smashed. His co-passengers screamed as more creatures were seen scattered along the road. The car was thrown out of control as the grey beasts attacked again.

He dodged and prayed. The creatures seemed to disappear into the night, leaving him with a spine chilling experience, and loads of car repair bills. But he has sworn revenge...

To be continued...

(This story is based on a series of true events, that occurred in Melbourne, not so long ago.)

Pros of being overweight and staying overweight.

2008-06-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

10. You're automatically funny. Wit just happens to come naturally to you. How many overweight people do you know, who aren't funny?

9. You do not have to bother about starving yourself, two hours before its time for gym, because you don't go to the gym. You can sleep peacefully, while others wake up to jog at 05:30 in the morning.

8. You know for sure that people like you, because of the person you are, and not because of your looks.

7. Since you do not bother about decking up and looking like a supermodel, you have more time for the important things in life, like education and a career and social service.

6. People love to pull your cheeks.

5. If someone steps on your feet, it won't hurt too much, since the fat protects you. But if you step on someone's feet, LORD HAVE MERCY!

4. People call you by cute nicknames, like Gummy Bear and Teddy bear and Cuddly.
Thin people rarely get cute nicknames.

3. You do not have to look through 10,00,000 clothes before you pick what looks great on you, namely because clothes in your size are limited. Cuts out a decent amount of work for you.

2. You don't need a belt to hold your jeans in place.

1. Your menu proudly goes way beyond salad, and you enjoy life with good food.

Human emotions aren't property

2008-04-19T02:58:00.000-07:00

In one of the replies to my previous article regarding my disappointment in the law, for not declaring extra marital affairs illegal, one of the readers brought a very interesting fact to my notice through her comment.

"...As a matter of fact, law must always be based on reason, and for that, defining the property is a requisite. What is being hurt if someone cheats you emotionally? That is, can emotions be considered as "property"? Now if emotions can be considered as "property" than emotional hurts, via extra marital affairs (which are cheat and not all are cheat) can be legally termed as illegal.
But we cannot state emotions as "property" because emotions are always subjectively perspective, they are not objectively based on reason..."

Now I respect the person's opinion and she does have have the right to think the way she chooses to, but this comment swept the ground from right under my feet. It is true - human emotions cannot ever be proven to be property, and hence, unless a law is passed to that effect, one cannot be jailed or fined for "hurting or damaging" human emotions.

This also makes me question the very existence of laws. There's always the physical or "property" aspect to it, so that those who cause another harm or loss (of property) in any way, be punished and the loss, if possible made good. That would be looking at it from a "logical" or "reasonable" point of view.

At this point, I'd like to ask you two questions:
1. Is it only the property or the loss or the harm that we fight for?
OR
2. Is it also, and to a great extent, the satisfaction we derive, from the guilty being punished for the injustice they have subjected us to?

If your answer is the first, then I'd request you to read no further, because the rest might not sound "reasonable".

If your house is illegally broken, you will be "sad", and you will fight against that injustice you have suffered, not only because you've incurred a huge "financial loss" or "loss of property", but also because that house was home to innumerable memories and emotions that you will hold close to your heart, until the moment you die.

When a person is murdered, his family or loved ones are willing to fight in court, endlessly, to punish the guilty.

No matter how much money you get in compensation, you will never get the same house again.
No matter how many years the murderer is sentenced to, the loved one will never come back.
Yet we fight, because that sense of justice helps us live. It helps us get on with ours lives. It gives us a satisfaction that injustice does not go unpunished. This is an emotional satisfaction, that only the law can give us.

It is a pity that the law today, banks purely on logic and reasoning to give justice. I don't mean to undermine the importance of evidence and give preference only to emotion, but we should not forget that it is human emotion that drives a man to seek justice.

Human emotions are not property.
I agree.
Human emotions are above property and anything material, and anyone who intentionally and unnecessarily (except if the guilty kept in mind, any greater good that can come through hurting that person's emotions) hurts another person's emotions, should be severely punished.

PS: I speak from the point of view of an ordinary human, who doesn't know much about the law, but thinks she knows a lot about human emotions.

I'm sure everyone out there has enough common sense to know exactly when, hurt emotions deserve justice.

Why aren't "extra marital affairs" illegal?

2008-04-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

When a murderer walks down a street, after completing his sentence, people still fear him and walk away. A rapist is always considered an outcast in society. A thief, no matter how insignificant the amount stolen by him, is always looked down upon, by society.
What is common among these three cases? All these cases make it very clear, that once a person commits a crime – big or small, he is never completely and freely accepted by society again.

But there is one crime, that people refuse to accept as a crime in the first place – EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIRS.

This “crime” has always amazed me. One person’s senseless, insensitive, irresponsible and immoral behavior ruins the life of his/her spouse and his/her children (Please do not accuse me of being sexist and referring to the cheating spouse as “his” or “him” or “he” all the time, but typing “his/her” is pretty tiring, so just assume it to be “his/her”) and the law has nothing besides a divorce, which would be something that help him and leave his family to be satisfied with a measly alimony amount, which most probably won’t be given to them in the long run.

No one can ever justify an extra marital affair. Any person who justifies another person "guilty" of having an extra marital affair, needs to have his brain recycled, because it has clearly crossed its expiry date.

The law may argue, that extra marital affairs are a “personal” issue, and hence, they can’t interfere, or punish someone for having one. I really don’t get the logic behind the entire “personal” issue argument.

You damage someone’s life, shatter 98.9% of that person’s dreams, cheat the person you’ve entered into the contract of marriage with, and get away with it, by burping up some dough and some pathetic liar’s – oh ! I’m sorry, I meant lawyer’s fees.

Come to think of it, aren’t most murders fueled by “personal issues” too?
Isn’t rape just another “personal issue” between the rapist and the victim?
When a thief robs a man of his belongings, isn’t it a “personal issue” between the thief and the victim?

I think its about time the law declared “extra marital affairs” illegal and punishable by law. Stable families will bring about stable societies, and prevent a lot of people from straying onto the wrong path, just because one of their selfish parents decided to shirk their responsibilities, to have some “personal” fun.

Do you think North Indians love to flout laws?

2008-02-10T21:52:00.000-08:00

That's not a question I'm asking you. That's a poll held by the Mumbai Mirror (local newspaper) after Raj Thakerey's "inspirational" speeches. The results set my blood boiling - 99% said Yes, while 1% said No.

BULLCRAP!

I can't imagine a poll as rigged as this one. This topic is not about just a poll. Its about the superior mentality and intolerance this city has seemed to develop in recent times.

Not too long ago, I used to sit with my friends (north Indians included) and crack jokes about the 'bhaiyas' in Mumbai, just like we'd poke fun at each other, but now, the entire issue has become so serious that we don't even mention it in passing.

The overall attitude of Mumbaikars towards north Indians makes me sick. The policemen love to target them. The other day my friend told me about this supposedly 'funny' incident, with the traffic police. He was made to pull over after accidentally breaking a traffic signal. An north Indian autorickshaw driver was made to pull over for the same. My friend escaped thanks to his excellent Marathi speaking skills. The autorickshaw driver, on the other hand, was slapped, his license taken, which he would have to collect from the Worli office the next day.
90% of the times, Mumbaikars get away because of the Police's biased attitude towards the "Marathi speaking" public. And this is just a tiny example of the discrimination a north Indian has to face in his OWN COUNTRY.

Who gave us Maharashtrians the right to behave like this? We're just plain lucky that we happen to be born in a city, with a few better career options. I'm proud to be a Maharashtrian, but first, I'm proud to be an Indian, and I'm proud of all my Indian brothers and sisters, whether they come from the north, south, eat, west or center.

To every Mumbaikar, who considers himself above a north Indian ---
>:P

Missing Something, Dear?

2008-02-05T07:28:00.000-08:00

I have a dead mosquito lying on an alphabet key on my keyboard. Now I'm gonna keep typing until its completely impossible for me to carry on, without using that particular key, that the mosquito lies on. But the problem is that I have no clue or topic in mind, that I can talk about, since this entire post is being written because of the untimely death of one of my room's uninvited inhabitants. Maybe I should talk about global warming or dirty politics or Paris Hilton's dog (no Paris Hilton still isn't worth talking about).

Funny, I still don't need to use that alphabet. OMG! But what if I never need to use it?! What if this post goes on randomly till about 5 million words, and I still can't stop!? Will you still read it? But 5 million words are a far off target, so I'll continue typing.

Lets play a game - not that you have much of a choice. Since you're already reading my post, you have, involuntarily, been sucked into my game and will have to do exactly as I say. Don't try to move away from the screen or stop reading, or I'll zap you with my Chicken Mayonnaise With Onion Rings and Chilli Radioactive Beam! I can't believe you're still reading this non-sense after such a lame threat! I can't believe I came up with such a lame threat in the first place. OK, we're evenly lame now, back to business.
You'd ask - 'which bloody game are you talking about, you dim wit!?', so I'll tell you what the game is about. But wait, I would tell you what the game is about anyway, so why would you bother asking such a stupid question?

Who is the dim wit now, eh?

Try to figure out which alphabet I've missed (obviously, on purpose), throughout my post.

The "Sermon" Events

2008-01-25T19:58:00.000-08:00

Sermon : (taken from The Sage English Dictionary and Thesaurus)
A moralistic rebuke.
An address of a religious nature (usually delivered during a church service).

As a bored youth would describe it, its when the priest tells all "ye faithful and holy" gathered in the church, not to sin and "why" not to sin (one of the major reasons being, getting thrown into Lucifer's paradise).

What annoys me most about these sermons, is not their unnecessary length, breadth, width, height, volume and content, but the pathetic attitude of the people towards them. Now I agree that one cannot compare a sermon to a hot steamy stage performance by Keira Knightley, but people are shameless enough to show that they are bored.

Here's a list of events that 'coincidently' begin with the sermon, and their effect on the rest of congregation attending mass: (and then of course, my sermon and punishment)

1. A cell phone beeps -

Result: Every idiot who refuses to keep his cellphone on silent begins to dig into his bag / purse / pocket / God knows where else, only to realize that his cellphone wasn't the culprit.

Dude, don't you know what your cellphone sounds like? Its your cellphone, not your kid, that its gonna discover a new sound every mass to trumpet out loud! Do you even know how to switch it on silent? I don't find any reason sufficiently urgent (except for your wife being in labor, in which case, you should be with her in the hospital and not disturbing everyone else's religious experience at church) that deserves your cellphone to be on and singing with perfect timing.

Punishment: Such people deserve to be humiliated before the church and thrown out (baring those 'rare' occasions when the cellphone was accidentally left on "loud profile"). If you're so very keen on receiving calls and messages during mass, stand out. There will be loads of people to keep you company. And if you have a problem with standing, get your own chair when you leave your house the next time.

2. Crying babies -

Result: Everyone turns around to sympathize with the mother and cheer the baby up.

I really can't figure out the secret behind this tactical move by the parents. How, exactly, do they manage to get their kids to cry, just as the sermon begins? Do they train their kids? I mean, it should be quite an achievement to get kids to decode such complicated commands, when they seem to be complete;y unfamiliar with the concept of "shut-up".

Punishment: Who the hell allows these people in anyway? They should be stopped at the gate (preferably, with a "pets and kids below 3 not allowed" board that I am willing to sponsor), made to turn around and march home. I'm surprised that it hasn't struck any of the priests to inform these 'parents' that they can leave their kids home, but please spare us the free symphony.

3. Running around 5 years olds -
They run around everything - between rows, between tall wooden columns, between benches, chairs, people and even the stray dog that strayed in. If you're lucky enough, you might even get to see one of their excellent pole dance performances.

Why let these li'l bundles of joy lose, just as the sermon begins? WHY? Do they have a severe backache problem that denies them the pleasure of sitting through a 10 minute sermon? Have they been watching too much of the Roadrunner show? Can't you just hold on to them for a while? The very fact that you haven't lost them, proves that you are capable of keeping them under control while outdoors.

Punishment: So you never leave home without your 5 year old roadrunner. Thats not a problem. You wanna get him to church too? Thats not a problem either. The church will soon be starting a short program for kids between 4 years to 6 years. The program will include basic training to recognize commands such as - sit, stay, stand, QUIET and as a bonus introductory offer, roll over and play dead. The program will extend over three weekends, and certificates will be given to the children passing successfully. However, those who fail to clear the test, will be given two options - give a re-exam or get a leash.
By the way, mommies with the talented pole-dancers, please keep a close eye on what your husbands watch after midnight...

4. Cough & Sneeze Symphony -
One cough is all it takes. Result: The rest of the bandwagon follows, more than willingly! A member or two who find the cough symphony monotonous, throw in a sneeze (darn these music lovers!). Be warned, these are not ordinary harmless coughs. This well planned conspiracy has existed for more than a decade and still continues to have the desired effect.

Punishment: Since you have such an impressive musical talent that you avoid to display at all other times besides the sermon, you get to be part of the church choir! Yes sir ee! The church has found a permanent solution to your bad throat. We're replacing the musical instruments with YOU. We're really looking forward to you coughing up a few good notes. Punishment ends when the sermon offender is completely cured. We expect most patients to have a quick recovery.

Conclusion:
As most of my "subtle solutions" might not be taken seriously by the church, I guess I will have to put up with the regular performances during every mass sermon. But all that is gonna change once I become the ruler of this planet.
(muhuhahahahahaha!)

Friend Sandwich

2008-01-14T20:45:00.000-08:00

Friend Sandwich: (definition) situation in which, one person has to unwillingly choose between two of his closest friends, who absolutely hate the sight of each other.
Solution: Turn tail and run!

Indeed a very convenient option in cartoon films, but it really doesn't work that way in real life. Yesterday, (much to my dismay) I was confronted with a similar situation. If it hadn't been for the 'series of unfortunate disasters' that occurred at a 'harmless little college group get together', I wouldn't have given the entire 'friend sandwich' concept this much thought.

I hadn't met my college group for nearly a month, so I called up my college friend (lets name her Suzan) and planned to meet outside college, since the junior college exams are on, and the degree college students (that would be us) have been given a mini vacation. Later that same evening, I met another friend, who is my college + colony friend (lets name him Jason), and we decided to go to college together, the following morning.

Whenever we go to college, and bunk a few lectures, we have a fixed routine:
Get out before the last lecture.
Sit outside the photocopy shop (yes, I know, not exactly someplace you can compare with Barista or Cafe Coffee Day)
Waste time till the sun is shinning with all its rage and fury, which is about 10:30 or 11:00 am.
Leave for home.

07:45am:
Come Monday morning, met Jason and two of his close friends from Malad. Jason and one of his friends went to buy smokes, his other friend and I hop onto bike and leave those two behind (hehe, mean, I know). At the cutting chai shop outside college, Jason and his friends are busy talking (by the way, he completely forgot about me while they were around) and I was listening to music.

08:45am:
Suzan reaches college. I wish her a very very late Happy New Year. I give her, her birthday gift (which lay giftwrapped at my place for over a month because neither of us met after her birthday). We walked around for a while. Caught up on a lot of things.
09:05am:
Suzan - "Thank God that Jason hasn't come today! I get so irritated when I see him! He'd ruin my year for me!"
Me - "He has come" (points out to where Jason is sitting)
Suzan - "OMG! Why has he come to college!?" (mood ruined)
Me - (in my mind: "awesome")

09:07am:
(go to cutting chai shop, Suzan talks to a few of her friends) (I walk up to Jason)
Jason - "What is she doing here?"
Me - "I told you I was meeting her today."
Jason - "Why men? Now she'll pacao! I can't stand her!"
Me - (in my mind - "couldn't possibly get worse than this")
(Jason gets back to his friends)

09:15am:
(funny group video time on friend's cellphone)
Suzan - (to the guy with the cellphone, who is a common friend of Suzan n Jason) "Don't show him (Jason)."
(Jason hears, gets bugged)
(Sits at the side of her and starts smoking)
(Suzan hates smoke, gets bugged)
Me - (to Suzan)"Chal, lets go for a walk and come back. (to the group) We'll see you guys in a while.
(we leave)
(Suzan grumbles)
(I agree)
(Suzan grumbles)
(I agree)
(Suzan grumbles)
(I agree)

09:32am:
(we head back to the cutting chai shop)
(we meet Jason on the way)
Jason - "Manisha, you coming? I'm going home."
Me - "But its only 09:30!"
(notice how he has broken our 'ever so regular' timetable, by leaving early)
Jason - "Yeah, but I'm leaving. You coming or no?"
Me - "How can I come so early? She just got here!"
Jason - (angrily) "So you're not coming?"
Me - (sad) "Wait for a little while, within half an hour we'll all leave."
Jason - "Are you coming now or no?"
Me - (sad) "I can't come just now."
Suzan - (to Jason) "She's not coming, you go."
(Jason gets angry and leaves)
(I apologize through SMS)

10:15am:
(reach Suzan to bus stop)
(put her in the bus)
(wave good bye)
(call Jason)
Me - "Awww.. someone's angry?"
(Jason grumbles)
(I agree)
(Jason grumbles)
(I agree)
(Jason grumbles)
(I agree)
(Jason grumbles)
(I agree)
(Jason grumbles)
(I agree)
(Jason grumbles)
(I agree)
(Yes he grumbles a lot, just like I do!)
Jason - "The next time she says any non-sense, she's had it!"
Me - (agrees)

10:30am:
(reach home and breathe)

I always knew they weren't exactly crazy about each other, but this minor case of dislike and differences is turning into a war.
Does anyone have a good, sensible solution to this mess?

:(

The things people say...

2007-12-25T07:20:00.000-08:00

I've come across a reasonable population of dumb people, who (in order to do justice to their title) say the dumbest things, in the dumbest situations ever! Here's a little countdown, starting with the least dumb to dumb personified!

5. How's school / college / classes goin?
OR
I hope you're studying hard..

If my classes were a wreck or my school was a mental asylum or the college goon was making my life miserable, I'm quite sure I wouldn't tell you, unless you could actually do something about it. If you could do something about it, I wouldn't wait for you to ask. You already know that I will be hurling the stereotype answer "Its going fine" at you, so why bother to ask?

As for "I hope you're studying hard...". What do you expect me to say, besides giggle and say 'yeah'. Many a time, I've been tempted to hit back with, "Naah, education sucks big time. I bunk college and dope with my friends, and I kinda lose track of time, so I end up missing classes as well and by the time I reach home, I'm too high to study.." That will definitely save me from the career questions that are bound to follow.

4. (at babies) Awwww... How cute!
I'd like to make an all universe announcement here -- BABIES ARE CUTE, I repeat BABIES ARE CUTE. Trust me on this one guys, but their parents were aware of this fact, way way way before you realized it. Shocking isn't it? I know.. parents are so smart!

3. (at a girl, when she's with her mom) OMG! I thought she's your older sister.
Major insult! If you think that you're scoring some big time brownie points by telling a girl that her mother looks like she's your elder sister, then you just don't deserve to live. Seriously, here's a teaspoon of water, now drown in it! Let me elaborate a bit :
A 20 year old girl, will have a 43 year old mother (atleast).
If she looks like she's the girl's elder sister, then the girl looks around 35.
Whoa! What a compliment! Won't that make any girl's day.
(psst, wise guys.. the mother knows you'll are lying, I told you parents are smart)

2. (at the breakfast table) Hey! You woke up!
OMG! You noticed! Damn! I can't ever hide anything from you, can I? Dude, are you in the secret service? Thanks for telling me though..
I wouldn't say that to anyone, unless I expected them to die in their sleep, and I was completely disappointed to see them walking around -- hail and hearty.

(drumroll)
1. (at someone who looks sad / depressed or is crying) Are you all right?
Yes, I'm perfectly fine. I always look like this. Makes you wonder what I look like on a bad day, doesn't it?

Conclusion:
Live and let live, please..

T_T

2007-12-25T07:13:00.000-08:00

Chocolate smells great,
but so does blood,
spilled across,
fresh overturned mud...

Butterflies are pretty,
and so are his eyes,
staring into nothingness,
as he dies...

Pros and Cons - Falling in Love with a Ghost

2007-12-21T08:44:00.000-08:00

(inspired by an unusual dream I had last night)

Pros:
1. 'Think of me, and I'll be there' really works in this case.
2. Body odour and bad breath is NEVER an issue.
3. You don't have to worry about your love getting hurt in an accident (ghost -> already dead).
4. No problems with punctuality from your sweetsoul's end (no heart, remember).
5. You don't need to be afraid of the dark anymore, your love's got excellent night vision.
6. Your parents can never catch you with him, because all he has to do is disappear.
7. The 'walking through walls' ability saves you a lot of trouble when you lock yourself our of your house.
8. Always giving you small appearing surprises.
9. Even death cannot do you apart.

Cons:
1. Serious lack of privacy.
2. Lack of physical presence.
3. Cannot be introduced to your parents / friends / relatives / boss.
4. Annoying disappearing act in the middle of heated arguments.
5. Can't go for long walks during the day.
6. Can't play hide n seek.
7. You would never know if he's cheating on you, because he'd never smell of another woman's perfume.
8. You can't exactly break up, especially if he isn't willing to.
9. Poses a serious threat to your next lover.
10. Always worried about him passing over to the next world.

Agony Aunt Madness

2007-12-15T20:12:00.000-08:00

Everyone has their share of problems. We have financial advisers to tell us what we should and should not do, with our hard earned money. We have estate agents advising us about property, from what to where to why to how. We have fashion designers telling us what makes us look hot, and what makes us look like walked upon sponge cakes. We have dietitians telling us what not to eat. We have share brokers telling us where to invest. In short, there's almost some professional out there, who has a solution to all our problems, be it business, education or health.
Its only natural that we should follow their guidance in important matters such as these.

But we have to go one step further, and throw our emotional problems and personal problems into the trusting hands of agony aunts. Believe me, I find this annoyingly stupid. Yes, its true that as we grow older, there are a million emotional ups and downs that confuse us, break us and mash us up to a pulp, but those are OUR problems. No one knows our problem and ourselves, better than we do - then why bank on the opinions of others to solve them? Love related problems take the cake. I don't mean to hurt anybody's feelings through this article. Its ok to ask your friends or relatives or parents or siblings for their opinion. But some questions are just too darn stupid.

One Xth standard student falls in love with his classmate, but he doesn't talk to her, and she doesn't talk to him - rather, they've NEVER EVEN SPOKEN to each other, but he is in LOVE with her all the same. His education is going for a toss because he can't concentrate. He doesn't know what to do, so he asks the 'agony aunt'.
As far as I know, by the time you become 15 years old (which is pretty much the minimum age every Xth standard student is), you can tell the difference between LOVE and INFATUATION. You don't need some wise old lady (for all you know, the agony aunt must be a 22 year old, with no experience of serious relationships in her life) to spell it out for you.

Then there was this guy who went and joined the seminary and then he fell in love with someone, and he wanted to know whether he should leave the seminary and get married, or continue being "God's faithful disciple". But thats not all. He writes to the agony aunt of a Catholic religious magazine, asking for guidance. (WHAT SHEER GENIUS!)
Undoubtedly, the 'guidance' was biased. If Einstein at the seminary took her seriously, he'll still be at the seminary, carrying out his spiritual duties half heartedly.

Oh! How could I forget! This one's a classic and one of my personal favorite 'dumb girl, dumber question' cases. A girl wrote in, saying that she was in a relationship with one of her distant relatives, and he wanted to get physically involved with her (btw, she's just 16 and he's around 21) while she doesn't. But she also fears that if she does not, he'll dump her for someone else (or so it seems by his behavior). She wants to know what to do.
I don't quite see where the problem lies -
She is 16, he is 21.
No 21 year old guy, who really loves his girlfriend would want to get physically involved with her at such a tender age. I mean, she's just 16, she's a kid. She knows he's just using her, and she still wants to stay in the relationship :| (d'oh)..

Bottomline -- People, learn to think for yourselves. Somewhere, deep inside, you know that you have a completely functional brain.

Headphone Addiction

2007-12-14T21:55:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows music sounds better on headphones -- you don't miss a dot or a squeak or a mew (now you must think I listen to animal planet online) or any faint sound that is of utmost importance to that particular audio track.

My extra ordinary "Mercury" computer speakers decided to commit suicide a few years ago, and since buying a new pair of speakers would milk my then (almost non existent) savings account dry, I opted for headphones.

In the beginning, I was elated with my new techie toy (yes, 3 years ago, headphones too seemed like some great technology to me, but I got over that since I discovered MP3 players.) and spent half a day recording my voice with the mike, that literally sat on my nose (because if I'd adjust it any lower, I could count the exact number of times I inhaled n exhaled during my recording).

Days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and months to years (yeah, this is where I stop making myself sound really old), and the headphones became an inseparable part of me, whenever I was at the computer. It was just three days ago, that I realized that I'd become addicted to my headphones.

I keep them on, irrespective of whether the music is playing or not, or whether I am voice chatting or not -- they're always on. I'm just happy to have the soft sponge cover my ears and keep them warm, and I can't imagine doing anything at my PC without my headphones.

Sloppy conclusion, but THE END.

Bad Hair (cut) Day

2007-12-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

After not seeing of a beauty parlor for more than a year (yes, I'm talented from cutting my own hair to everything else that can save me a trip to the parlor), I decided to get my hair cut by a professional than keep saving money, which would eventually be spent on something stupid for somebody else. I must admit that she did a wonderful job with my hair, and I was pretty impressed at what a person can do with a pair of scissors and experience.
Bottomline : My haircut was presentable, much more than it had EVER been before (or for a couple of years at least).

My friends however, found my haircut pretty amusing. I got everything from, "OMG! Manisha ,yeh tune apne baalon ko kya kiya (translated to: Manisha, what have you done to your hair)", to blunt, "You're looking funny, for what did you cut your hair?" to "OMG! Manisha, what happened?" and some just decided to look at me and laugh.

The only person who didn't react "unpleasantly" to my new haircut, is Larissa (my best friend from the next building). Its not like I'm fishing for compliments or anything, but I just want people who read this to realize, that when a girl chops of her hair (and most of her heart with it), the least you'll can do is pretend to not notice, but stop making her feel like an aftereffect of the Bhopal Gas Tragedy -- believe me, its not funny...

My Favorite Math Joke

2007-12-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

Yes, thats pretty much it...

To Nachle or Not To Nachle?

2007-12-02T01:46:00.000-08:00

Baning films over unimaginably ridiculous reasons, has become the Government's new favorite passtime. The anti-Aaja Nachle bandwagon, set into motion by Mayavati, seems to have gained popularity all over the country as the Harayana and Punjab governments have followed suit. All this halla balloo over two (seemingly harmless) lines, "Mohalle mein kaisi maara-mar hai, bole mochi bhi khud ko sonar hai.." (the cobbler too, calls himself a goldsmith). Personally, I find it very offensive - NOT!

The Dalit community has taken serious offense, because the line implies that "COBBLERS ARE INFERIOR TO GOLDSMITHS". My my! How observative! I say, we should have baned quite a few other films too, which might have probably hurt various sections of society, but they didn't have enough 'free time' on their hands to turn it into a major political drama.

Most Bollywood films portray Catholic women as cheap and dumb, wearing revealing low necked tops and can't speak Hindi right, ever. The men are either dopers, eternally drunk or small time thieves (and even so, not good at their job). We never hear anyone say, "Hey Ajay, daaru la" or "Hey Prakash, daaru la", its always "Hey Micheal, daaru la" or "Hey Joseph, daaru la". Sandra or Rosy or Julie is mostly the mean hot chic in college, or the dumb secretary at the work place.

Most Bollywood films portray Muslims as traitors (which is really very offensive) but they don't jump up at every line in the script, and get it baned (except for Gadar which was really asking for it). The Muslim guy is often shown as a badie, who comes on the right track only after the hero gives his conscience a 10,000 Volt wake up call. And that's just the tip of the ice berg.

Don't get me wrong, we hold no grudge against any of these films, or film makers, or Bollywood. We've enjoyed all these films, stuck posters in our rooms, taken all the "Rosy"s, "Anthony"s, "Abdul"s and "Kasim"s with a pinch of salt and moved on with our lives. Isn't that what entertainment is all about?

Word to the offended community:
If you can't take it, don't watch it, but stop regulating what you think is appropriate or inappropriate for others to watch, and yeah - GET A LIFE.

Word to the Government:
Guys, don't you'll have a country to run?

Eat Book!

2007-11-24T22:00:00.000-08:00

Do you live to read, or would you rather be caught dead, than with a book in hand. Lets see if you fall under any of the categories below.

Non - Readers:
These are the best people to buy second hand text books from. For such people, purchasing books is only a formality influenced by an external force (namely, the tuition teacher). Their ideal world consists of nothing in print. Their excellent vocabulary is a result of those high class sci-fi movies they live off.

Comic Book Worms:
These are the second best people to buy second hand text books from. They do open their text books, but only to skillfully shield the comic book from the watchful eye of the evil tutor. They know where Archie lived, and what he ate for breakfast before he took Veronica out. They know exactly how many fleas Tin Tin's dog has. Supandi is the sun, and Garfield's a role model.
They do not believe in anything in the real world. Their world is made up for goofy sketches and dialogue boxes. They're usually the naughtiest kids in class.

No Interest Readers:
They read but nothing seeps into their tough skulls. They simply read because they have been told to, and because they are never in a mood to disobey whoever told them to read. They read textbooks and they read "A Tale of Two Cities", "Oliver Twist" and "Pride and Prejudice" in the school library. Their attitude towards books can be described as that of a person with tomato allergy, towards tomato soup.

The Medium Read:
They are normal ordinary people, who don't come across as too intelligent or too dumb - just ordinary. They read when they're bored, or when they just feel like reading. Their library cards aren't very active. They are pretty 'picky-choosy' about the things they read. If they do not like what they're reading, they'll just close it. They never go to a library to borrow a book, they just pick one up if they're passing by. They read random things like newspapers, magazines, ebooks, online articles, besides the standard thick paperback books.

The Well Read:
They may specialize in a particular field, but they always know a considerable amount about everything else. There aren't many things (fictional or non-fictional) that they've never heard of. They are perfect balanced readers. They read books by authors common man has never heard of. They are in a position to churn out 300 word essays with ease. They strike a perfect balance between fictional and non-fictional reading. They're perfect (but nobody's supposed to be perfect, hence they don't exist).

The Over Read:
Reading is one involuntary function they perform in their day to day lives. The only time you do not see them with a book in hand, is when they are listening to an audio book instead. They wake up and read. They brush their teeth and read. They eat breakfast and read. If they could, they would read in their sleep too. They remember a considerable amount of what they read, except most of the authors' names. There isn't a single word, country, culture, language, region, climatic condition, scientific expedition or test, technology, president or political party, planet or planetary system, fictional detective or real life crime case that they've never heard of. They've been through every Harry Potter book. They've (knowingly) read all the fake Harry Potter books released before the actual books were released, only because thats something more to read. 500 word essays are like a walk in the park. They know too much of everything, and once you know them well, you begin to doubt them being "runaway human test subjects" from a secret laboratory in the USA.

The Fakers:
They'd rather trade in their books for the latest version of Playstation, but they're on a mission - a mission to impress. They've read every famous author that made it past horrible critics. They never ever forget the names of the books or the authors they've read. They read everything that is considered the "in thing" to read (including Harry Potter and Rich Dad, Poor Dad). They make it a point to mention that they've read something recently. They read in public - parks, gardens, trains. They mostly stick to fiction, because thats comparatively digestible. They pre-plan and rehearse all that they have to present before their friends. They won't know a word beyond it.

(Personally, I find the fakers, the most annoying. They pretend to be Mr. or Miss "know it all". This category usually includes the "all beauty and no brain, but wannabe brain" section of society. In their struggle to prove society wrong, they drive common man koo koo!)

Global Warming and its effects on Online Romeos

2007-11-19T21:48:00.000-08:00

Ever encountered those annoying online 'hot naughty chat' romeos? Most of us have. And it isn't only the girls who suffer. I've even heard guys complain about other guys, (who aren't on our side of sexual orientation preference) who keep messaging, hoping to spark some ray of 'affection' from the other party.

Until today morning, I thought nothing on this planet could deter their shameless willpower, but all of a sudden, lightning struck and 'global warming' came to my rescue.
After a million stern 'no's and after exhausting every tried and tested trick in the book, I realized that global warming is the best turn off weapon we can wield against this ever growing mob of despos.

Here's a sample of what to expect:
(from the conversation I had with Mr. Sicko, this morning)
(I didn't bother to replace his ID with Sicko, as compared to my earlier post )

vishalp1976: hi

me: hello

vishalp1976: how r u ?

me: im fine, how are you?

vishalp1976: i am also fine

where r u now ?

me: at home

vishalp1976: eating ? lol

me: no, I was away having breakfast

vishalp1976: ok

how is ur bf ?

me: he's fine

vishalp1976: ok

when u met him last
?

me: august

vishalp1976: u missing him now ?

me: yea :(

vishalp1976: ok

what u dresed now ?

me: no I wear weeds and leaves when im at home

vishalp1976: means ?

me: stupid question -> stupid answer

vishalp1976: ok

tell me really dear

me: clothes duh

vishalp1976: what type ?

n which colur ?

me: how will that help?

vishalp1976: to imagine u

i am wearing nice black pant n white blue strips hirt

me: are you a fashion designer?

vishalp1976: no

me: did I ask u what you were wearing?

vishalp1976: ok

tell me plz

me: what?

vishalp1976: what else ?

how is life ?

me: life's goin good

vishalp1976: may i see ur pic plz

me: naah, thts not important

vishalp1976: can u see me ?

me: I pretty much look like the guy in my display :P

yes I can

vishalp1976: ok then what is important

me: global warming

vishalp1976: ok

me: don't you think global warming is important?

vishalp1976: ya

what ur doing for that

me: to accelerate it?

vishalp1976: ya

ok bye i have to go now , see u later take care

me: ok bye

Observe how horribly turned off he was, with the smallest threat of 'intelligent' conversation, as compared to his usual dose of 'naughty chat'. Please try this out on any despos you know, and don't forget to tell me about the disastrous effects 'global warming' has on Online Romeos.

This is Kim's Story

2007-11-18T09:40:00.001-08:00

The police siren blared through the silent night..
The air was thick with smoke..
Panic and confusion flooded the street..
Dogs howled in fear..
Kim sat at the corner of the turn of the block...
In her hand, was a colorful packet...
The firemen were on their way...
The building on the opposite side of the street..
engulfed in flames..
Kim clenched the packet tight...
It was a tough decision..
It was now or never..
The dogs were still howling..
The fire brigade arrived..
She opened the packet..
Slowly slipped her right hand in..
It was there.. still safe.. still unharmed..
Her mind was made up..
Without warning.. she pulled it out..
And bit right into it...
Everyone stopped and turned to look at her..
And she looked up from her McDonald's Burger and said..
" I'm loving it ! "

:D

(Note: All those who do not understand this article should watch more advertisements during television programs, and stop switching channels everytime its time for commercials.)

Does your coffee smell funny?

2007-11-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

New employment opportunities open for Asian Palm Civets, as the demand for Kopi Luwak skyrockets. Kopi Luwak, being the most expensive coffee in the world ( at $600 per pound ), has a unique processing procedure.

- The Civet eats the raw, red coffee berries and they wind up in its digestive system.
- The inner part of the berry passes through undigested, but the enzymes inside the Civet's stomach act upon the proteins in the coffee beans, breaking them down to give it, its 'unique bitter taste'.
- The beans are then excreted and are still covered by some part of the inner layers of the berry (aren't we relieved to hear that!) and washed and roasted 'lightly', so as to preserve its distinct taste.. (its not like anyone bothers about germs these days anyway)..

The next time, your favorite cup of Kopi Luwak doesn't smell right, you'll know why?

(Note : This article does not claim responsibility for the rise in unemployment of Asian Palm Civets)

We don't need no EDUCATION!

2007-11-12T20:02:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, I looked forward to studying... that was when I actually thought that, the things I was squeezing into my head, would help me in the future..
Besides mathematical operations, nothing else was much of a help..

with every word I read,
I plant a little seed,
into my little brain,
to grow into a tree..

with every passing day,
I beg and plead and pray,
those words don't run away,
that they are here to stay..

exams will come and go,
and with them,
all I know,
since that's got no relation,
to real life education..

The End..

Preparation Differences: Guys v/s Girls

2007-11-10T02:22:00.000-08:00

(In this case, we assume the decided date time to be 06:30pm)

Pre Date Preparation: Guys
(begins around 05:00pm)

Has a nice long shower.
Shaves.
Picks a particular shirt or t-shirt.
Randomly picks a pair of jeans. (don't they all look the same anyway?)
Bathes in perfume.
Scoops out an unhealthy quantity of hair gel and subjects hair to it.
Take bike or car keys (if any).
Checks wallet to gauge expenditure potential.
Leaves.
Buys flowers. (optional)
The End.

Pre Date Preparation: Girls
(begins the moment she wakes up)

Calls up salon to confirm appointment.
Rushes off after a low cal breakfast.
Gets a facial done.
Manicure.
Pedicure.
The works, that needn't be specified.
Returns home well past lunch time.
Turns on the geyser.
Calls a close girl friend + philosopher + guide over.
Takes a long warm shower.
Uses special shampoo.
Uses conditioner.
Uses extra special soap.
After shower, decides outfit with the friend + philosopher + guide.
Three outfits reach the final round.
The winner is obviously the outfit that was picked out first.
Select matching purse.
Selects a pair of shoes that go with the purse.
Applies foundation carefully.
Selects eyeshadow that goes with the shoes.
Lipstick that goes with the purse.
Applies eyeliner and kaajal.
Rouge.
Selects ear rings that match the dress.
Bracelet.
Platinum chain.
Tiny diamond ring.
Changes into the date attire.
Dabs on some (flowery) perfume.
(whew) The End

And you guys wonder "why" we take "time" to get ready.

403 Forbidden My Foot !

2007-11-09T00:45:00.000-08:00

(First of all, I'd like to wish all my lovely adorable readers a very, very Happy Diwali and a prosperous New Year. I forgive all those do not want to wish me back, in advance.)

Google just ruined Diwali for me. Right now, I'm living through one of my worst nightmares. I cannot Google. Yes. You read perfectly right - GOOGLE WON'T LET ME GOOGLE!

I can't search images.
I can't do my whacky random Wikipedia search.
I can't look for stupid joke sites.
I can't do anything!

This is what I keep getting - (refer to picture below)

Can you believe it!? They just told me, I'm 'behaving' like a virus.
Well Google people, this is all I'm gonna say to you -

I DO NOT STUDY VIRUS PSYCHOLOGY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT VIRUSES EAT FOR BREAKFAST, WHAT THEIR FAVORITE COLOR IS, OR WHERE THEY LIKE TO HANG OUT THE MOST (ok maybe they like the drive Windows is installed on, but thats not my point). HOW DARE YOU SAY I'M BEHAVING LIKE A VIRUS?
YOU'LL ARE BIG IMPORTANT PEOPLE, AND YOU'LL CAN'T GO AROUND ACTING LIKE PREZ. PERVEZ MUSH-MUSH "OH I DON'T KNOW, YOU SEEM SUSPICIOUS SO I'M GONNA BE HORRIBLY MEAN TO YOU." YOU BETTER GET GOOGLE WORKING OR I'M GONNA MOVE TO YAHOO SEARCH - YEAH YOU HEARD RIGHT!

(regular blog readers are not allowed to read beyond this)
(drops to her knees - joins hands)
GOOGLE!
DON'T DO THIS TO ME!
I LOVE YOU!
I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!
WHERE WILL I GET FREE ILLEGAL DOWNLOADING SITES FROM?
PLEASE COME BACK....

Maybe I over-reacted a bit..

Gujarat Riots - Politics at its best

2007-10-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

Last night "Aaj Tak" (Hindi news channel) created waves, when tapes of a sting operation regarding the filthy hands behind the Gujarat riots were released. The guilty roam free. Out of approximately 1,800 cases, only 12 have been convicted. The public prosecutors boasted shamelessly about how they "managed" all the cases, and only got 12 convicted.

Here are some interesting claims made by the 'innocents' that were acquitted:
(regarding their selfless contributions to the riots)

I ripped open a pregnant woman's stomach:
Babu Bajrangi

Modi gave protection to mastermind Bajrangi when he was arrested.

DCP SK Gadhvi killed 4-5 people:
Ramesh Dave

I made all the bombs for the riots in my factory:
Haresh Bhatt

We cut Jafri into pieces and then burnt him:
Madan Chhawla

I made bombs and they were used in the riots:
Dhawal Patel

If Modi was not CM, he would have dropped bomb:
Arvind Pandya

- Innocent people were threatened, Muslims victimized and law was sold, yet again.
Complaints of rape by women were not filed. People screamed and cried for help while the police were nowhere to be found. Within a matter of hours, people were charred alive.
Politicians and police openly butchered people, then they made up creative stories, played the blame game for a few years, and got acquitted.

I would not be wise to comment on Narendra Modi's involvement in the riots, since he himself has made no claims as such, then again, if he has reached where he is today, its obvious he wouldn't be as 'intelligent' as the others who seem to have slit their own throats.

News like this makes you wonder, whether 90% of the so-called terrorist activities, are terrorist activities at all, doesn't it?

Like any other sting operation, this too will get the sensational coverage and appreciation it deserves. The concerned parties will explain, the opposition will mud sling. A few court cases will be re-opened if possible, to please the general public or restore our 'faith' in the system once again. After a few months, we will forget. The same politicians will come beg for our votes, and like responsible citizens - we will vote again.

Then we will shirk our responsibilities as people of this country, and place our future in their capable hands. Come - lets help lay the foundation of another disaster like the 2002 Gujarat riots..

Festive Spirit ?????

2007-10-23T10:06:00.000-07:00

As a kid, I'd wait all year long for Diwali to arrive - even more than the summer vacation. The sweets and the crackers - the lamps hanging in balconies and diyas and rangolis (which I had tried my hand at, and thus modern art was born) ! Drab boring neighbourhoods would suddenly transform into never ending strings of light.

But as time passed by, I grew to resent Diwali. Now please, do not take offense from a religious point of view. The entire purpose of celebration is wonderful. But Diwali seems to have lost its meaning (like most festivals), to gifts and sweets and crackers.

Infact, crackers are my worst nightmare! Every Diwali brings news of atleast one unfortunate accident, where someone losses a hand, or an eye, or a house to firework mishaps.

Atleast one kid (that I know personally) burns his fingers because he touched a hot 'fuljhari' or sparklers, as the more sophisticated ones would call it!

The 'rassi bombs' (sorry, but no sophisticated name in this case, since these aren't worthy of being called fireworks to begin with, but deserve to fall under some dangerous weapon of 'not so' mass destruction category) render half the population, unfortunate enough to be in close range of the explosion - deaf.

The density of smoke, conveniently succeeds at ridding the colony of asthama patients, in a 'not so conventional' way, unless choking to death can be made to look humane by some miraculous theory.

The animals and the birds go berserk, and I'm sure the plants would have reacted in quite the same way, had they been gifted with the ability to move and scream.

Do the planet a favour, and if not the planet, then your own ears and lungs, but please try to resist the temptation of turning your neighbourhood into a Nazi gas chamber this Diwali, and stick to pretty diyas and rangoli and 'high sugar and calorie level' sweets, to celebrate the triumph of good over evil.

The Mani Returns

2007-10-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Just for the record, all those who read my blog and have no clue what 'Mani' is - well thats me. And this great article is here to inform my faithful (and not so faithful) audience, of my glorious return from battle.

All future posts are guaranteed to be much more complicated and brainless, as compared to the ones you've suffered in the past.

During my exile, I learned quite a few interesting facts about myself, my college and my friends.
-- Law appears to be written in different languages to different people.
-- Almost every alternate bench has a heart drawn on it, and some of them (unintentionally) seem quite close being scientifically correct.
-- The strictness of the moderator is inversely proportional to your level of preparation and the length of the paper.
-- The first day of exam is always very eventful, especially for those lucky few whose names make their way to the college blacklist.
-- Sitting on the second bench is way better than sitting on the first bench, but not close to what its like to sit on the second last bench.
-- Sore eyes isn't the worst thing that can happen to you, you could always die - thats worse isn't it?
-- Making 20,000 phonecalls before to you sleep, asking your friends if they finished studying, doesn't help you score better. But it sure helps the telephone exchange score!
-- There is nothing spectacular about the last fullstop, of the last paper.

Now I shall end this post and yell outta the window, because some wiseguy has been playing 'Girls just wanna have fun', for the nth time, at full volume on his pathetic excuse for a communication device (known as cellphone to common man).

The yawn test

2007-10-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

After subjecting myself (quite unwillingly) to half a day of business law, I decided that I was through punishing myself with severe doses of education, and I needed some time off. But my good fortune shone nice and bright on my 'break time slot', and the cable was off.

I was flipping through the newspaper, when I came across an article about refreshing a tired mind. It included very interesting remedies, my personal favorite being a mini chocolate treat.

Then there was the yawn technique. According to this yawn technique, one had to repeat the word 'yawn' twenty times in a row, which would actually (with the help of some divine intervention) induce a yawn, which would increase the oxygen supply to your blood (by a long complicated biological process, that I find unnecessary to elaborate here), and tada - you're all fresh again!

I didn't have anything to lose, besides precious study time, but that never matters to us 'born geniuses', so I gave it a shot.
Here's the step-by-step procedure of my experiment:

1. I started off by saying 'yawn' a couple of times, breathing in once in every five 'yawn's.
(experiment failed)

2. I repeated the word 'yawn' twenty times in one breath, but I didn't yawn. Instead, I was left pretty breathless, since I couldn't possibly hold my breath even if my life depended on it.
(experiment failed again)

3. Then I went a 'yawn chanting spree', in the course of which, the word 'yawn' evolved into 'yawny' and 'neon' at different stages of the chanting.
(yet another brilliant failure)

Tired and irritated by failing very successfully at every step, I closed the newspaper and decided it was time to hit the sack. The moment my head touched the pillow, I yawned :D

Some very cute smileys...

2007-09-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

Found some cute random smileys, as I was randomly browsing through random websites, for equally random reasons (one specific reason could be boredom, due to the inability of Marketing managing to penetrate my super-powerful skull).

Website

The Angry Smiley

The Audrey Smiley

The Green Crystal Smiley

The Scared Smiley

The Fire Smiley

So which one's your favorite?

Noah's Arc v/s The Titanic

2007-09-19T04:26:00.000-07:00

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, a lone amateur built the Arc. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

When I read this interesting quote, displayed as my friend's status message, I gave it a thought (read as : herculean task), and concluded that it isn't fair, to compare Noah's Arc with the Titanic.

Here's why:

1. Noah didn't have to worry about expenses, since he was building the ship for very simple living beings - his family and a bunch of animals.

2. Prices of wood weren't that high.
More wood -> lighter ship -> decreases the chances of sinking.

3. The earth was completely covered by water, so any chance meetings with potentially dangerous objects, capable of sinking a ship, could be ruled out.

4. Even if they weren't ruled out, the possibility of the guy in the crows nest, keeping a look out for any such objects, getting distracted by a Jack-n-Rose love scene, was very low (assuming
Noah wasn't the type who had romance on his mind, while the rest of the world drowned).

5. And the last, and most important reason of all:
NOAH HAD GOD ON HIS SIDE.
(and rumour has it, that the controversial statement about the Titanic, "not even God himself can sink this ship" , didn't go down too well with the heavenly beings)

Hence, I rest my case..

A chat session I would rather not have had..

2007-09-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

After two unsuccessful cases, and one (evidently) successful case of 'copy + paste', I present before you - "a chat session I would rather not have had.." (past perfect tense is the works, isn't it?)

All parts of the post, in brackets and italics, are my extra ordinary comments on the situation / reply..

sicko*: hi

would u like to chat ?

sicko is online.

sicko: r u there ?

Manisha: ye

sicko: how r u ?

u r from ?

Manisha: you're from my Orkut list aren't you?

sicko: ya (liar)

Manisha: im all confused :( I got one frm college, and one not from college, which one are you !?

sicko: i am sicko* from pune

Manisha: then you aren't from my college :D

im from mumbai

sicko: no

ur age ?

Manisha: 20

sicko: ok

what u do ?

study ?

Manisha: studying for my commerce degree

sicko: ok

Manisha: yup

sicko: where u stay in mum ?

Manisha:(trying to dodge his previous question) what about you? what do u do?

sicko: i am chemical engineer

Manisha: :O

sicko: working with engg co

where u stay in mum ?

Manisha: (dodging the question again) oooh! you're the brainy type

sicko: means ?

Manisha: (what the hell! what kinda nut doesn't understand what brainy is?!) engg takes a lotta brain

sicko: ya

what u like in chat ?

what r ur hobbies ?

Manisha: (trying to sound like him, and laughing my head off simultaneously ) what do you like in chat?

sicko: r u thee ?

Manisha: (tempted to reply with 'yes I am thee, fall at my feet and worship me', but I stuck to a simple 'yes') yes

I asked you something..

sicko: WHAT ?

Manisha: (you brainless bafoon) scroll up n see :P

sicko: no i have answered ur all questions

ask me again if i have not replied to u

Manisha: you asked me what I like to talk about, and I asked you back "what do you like in chat" ? (I doubt I'll ever tire saying that)

sicko: anything

Manisha: (yea sure anything, thats why you asked, didn't you?) lol

sicko: what about u ?

Manisha: er... pretty much anything

sicko: what r ur hobbies ?

i like dreiving (new dictionary from planet "duh") , net surfing , swimming , chatting...

what about u manisha ?

Manisha: I like Orkutting, listening to music, chatting occassionally... surfing a lot (the internet I mean)

sicko: ok

what u sufr on net ?

Manisha: mostly wikipedia, because I'm pretty dumb when it comes to complicated stuff... cartoon sites, wallpapers, networking sites just to take a look...

what abt u?

sicko: i like enng info

u like swimming ?

Manisha: (you like engg stuff! who would have guessed!?) hmm, thats kinda obvious :D

err... not much

sicko: why ?

Manisha: (what do mean 'why'? everyone isn't a born fish, thats why) I'm not a good swimmer

sicko: u do it or no ? (what the hell does he mean by "do it")

i like alot

i like driving car also

Manisha: good

sicko: where r u in mum ?

Manisha: (you persistent little brat! take that) at home :P

sicko: which area ?

did u see my pic ?

r u busy or what ?

did u see my pic ?

Manisha: (no! but I bet you make Tom Cruise look bad) where is it?

sicko: move cursor to my name

Manisha: (OMG! what a genius!) very small

cant see

sicko: u will find small pic

may i send u now ?

Manisha: (no dimwit! nightmares aren't on tonight's to-do list) gee thats really sweet of you...

sicko: will u send me urs ?

Manisha: (aha! now he's talking business) dont have it on my pc, had formatted the whole thing recently

sicko: ok

tell me how u look ?

Manisha: sicko*, where exactly did you find me on Orkut?????

sicko: ya

Manisha: (what ya? geez! am I even getting across to you?) not ya.. I'm asking where or how did you find me? what's your Orkut unsername?

sicko: i found ur email from google discussion forum (whoa! ok revelation time for me - Google has a discussion forum and I have posted there, even without knowing it existed, ain't I rare talent!)

u like naughty chat ? or no ?

Manisha: (yuck! you disgusting, grammatically incorrect disaster) no

sicko: ok

Manisha: I gtg, see you later...

sicko: why dont u like it ppzl tell me

we can enjoy it yaar if u wish

ok ?

Manisha: (eeesh you freak! buzz off) no i dont :|

Sent at 6:46 PM on Monday

sicko: hi
(what the heck is he STILL doing here?)

r u there ?

would u like o chat ?

r u still here ?

Sent at 7:01 PM on Monday

sicko: hey manisha

r u there ?

or gone ?

Sent at 7:10 PM on Monday

*swats him with a fly swatter*

Case Closed - The End

( sicko * name changed to protect the person's identity, and also me, from any resultant acid attacks. )

The Horror of Make Up

2007-09-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

The term 'light make up', to some regular make up users I know, is much more offensive than the dreaded "F" word.

I've seen many make up artists suggest, that you should wear a substantial amount of make up, if you are performing on stage. I've seen five year olds buried in rouge and foundation, so much so that they look like they were attacked by the 'plaster of paris' monster.

And then, there are those, who prefer being the 'plaster of paris' monsters, themselves. I've had friends who've put garishly loud make up to college, to meet friends, or just to go down the road to pick up groceries.

What supreme power encourages them to do so - I don't know, and I'm not too keen on finding out either, because whatever it is, must be horribly evil, if its subjects dare to parade up and down this planet, in their interestingly decorative avatars.

I often end up asking myself, 'how can one convert such beautiful colors into such a circus of horror?!'

Some overdoses of make up horror, that you just can't ignore:
- Too mush mascara, making your eyelashes look like they are under severe weight training, and will fall off, outta exhaustion at any moment now.

- Too much lipstick, which most would refer to as the 'kissed the post box' application technique. But I don't think, anyone besides the post box, is really impressed.

- Too much foundation, that leaves very visible cracks all over your face, after a while. If captured by a good digital camera, the picture can easily be mistaken for that of barren parched land that hasn't seen water in a few thousand years.

- Too much eyeliner, makes it looks like a two year old found your eyelids, a very convenient surface to doodle.

- Too much rouge, leaves you looking like you were thrown into a cage of angry monkeys for a good half hour or you were substituting for your cat's scratch pad.

In conclusion:
All us sensible make up users, can hope against hope, that these people are only trying to show the world, 'how not to wear make up', by live demonstrations on themselves.
OR
We can point and laugh, at all the colorful, shimmering Christmas ornaments passing by..

Smoking is Injurious to Health - Why Bother?

2007-09-10T21:58:00.000-07:00

Every packet has to have it written on it; be it Benson & Hedges or a Goldflake Light..

People who actually buy entire cigarette packets, are literate. That means, they can read. So the sign is justified - WRONG! Any person who is literate, is well aware of the consequences of smoking. Nobody needs to be told that, that cigarette they are holding, will have drastic results on their heart, lungs and everything else that cigarettes effect.

Most teenagers and youth who smoke, do not even buy the entire packet. So the big health warning, printed with all that love and affection, is left to pan-patti wala (the guy who sells cigarettes), who might have never seen the inside of a school, in most cases. Even if he does know how to read, the warning will not be of much use to him. Infact, that must be the part of the packet, he hates thes most. That one line, can cost the poor guy his bread and butter.

Second hand smoke kills:

Now let me get this straight - the guy (or gal), who lit up that cigarette, doesn't give a damn about his (or her) own health, so they pretty much won't bother about the person sitting beside them either.

Oh yes, and if its a responsible parent, who is smoking - oh wait! did I use 'responsible parent' and 'smoking' in the same sentence?! My bad (delete delete)

The person who is being subjected to second hand smoke, doesn't have much say in the matter either. He can request the smoker to leave, or get up and leave himself. But he already knows that second hand smoke isn't the purest form of air one can breathe, and I'm sure the smoker didn't have to put the packet with the warning, in the non-smoker's face, so that he could read it.

The purpose of writing warnings on cigarette packets has been successfully met.
The smokers still smoke.
The cigarette industry booms.
An important formality has been fulfilled.

Which reminds me, why hasn't it occurred to all the health police of society, that processed food packets should also have printed warnings like - may cause obesity, cancer, heart attacks, cholesterol problems, diabetes etc. if consumed in large proportions (as expected) ?

Then again, why bother?

(this article, in no way encourages or discourages smoking)

Ridiculous Road Signs - Why Bother?

2007-09-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been speeding away to glory, when from the corner of your eye, you catch a glimpse of this outrageous road sign, which makes you doubt the fact that you are completely sober, or wonder what the guy at the coffee shop slipped into your drink?

Well, I'd like to congratulate all those, who have been privileged enough, to have had such an experience, and sympathize with those who haven't. I haven't either.

But that doesn't mean that ridiculous road signs don't exist. Just the other day, I saw a "pit of doom" dug right in the middle of a perfectly smooth road, (for reasons best know to the government), with a sign that read "डेन्जेर". No cross boned skeleton, no cross - just plain old "डेन्जेर".

Now that's a sweet gesture on the part of our government. They keep in mind all the people, who aren't capable of reading English, so they put up a sign in Hindi. Unfortunately, the word is still in English.

Its like writing "cothmeer"* in and English cookbook. The person cooking knows it is an ingredient. The person also knows English. Yet, the problem still exists.

Conclusion:
The government has serious communication problems, with its brain.

(cothmeer = Indian name for corriander)
(डेन्जेर = Danger)

10 Things Time Has Taught Me:

2007-09-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

10.
Sundays are the most non-happening days ever.

9.
You will always find the dress you desperately wanted to wear to a special occasion, two or three days after that occasion.

8.
Most people say Tom & Jerry is their favorite cartoon, because everybody knows nobody will ever say that, they don't like Tom & Jerry.

7.
Karma works overtime, especially when you've laughed at someone tripping on high heels.

6.
Watches are water resistant, not water proof.

5.
It always rains, when you think its safe to close your umbrella.

4.
Nail clippers aren't supposed to be used to tighten tiny watch screws.

3.
It is not a good idea to wash batteries, leave alone soaking them in soap water for better effect.

2.
The possibility of a power cut is directly proportional to the length of your unsaved document/code.

and finally.....

1.
The moment you think it safe to pass gas in public, is the only moment when everyone decides to keep quiet.

( any questions regarding the author's personal experience, in any of the above mentioned cases, shall not be entertained, especially case 1. )

Bad Blog Day

2007-09-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

I woke up bright and early today, and something in my tinee winne otherwise-non-functional-brain-at-that-hour told me that I'm gonna come up with a wonderful blog article today.
The atmospheric conditions were perfect - not too hot, not too cold, not too humid, the sun was out (for a change), the sky was a pretty blue with blobs of white clouds.

The birds were singing, trees dancing in the wind, dogs chasing a terrified black cat - it couldn't have been more perfect.

I signed into Blogger and started typing at break neck speed. As my (unsuccessful first) topic, I chose to write about, how short forms and SMS lingo has made us forget good old normal English. Then my dad was about to leave, so after I finished waving goodbye, I had lost all the inspiration that I needed for that topic.
Therefore, all the written matter went 'select all' and 'delete'.

Thats ok, alls not lost. By now, the nuts and bolts in my head had started turning me towards a different track. I thought, ' Let me write about the hotch potch Mumbaikar English has made out of the real language '. That went to about two paragraphs, and then a friend messaged me on GTalk, and once again, very conveniently I lost all inspiration.

But a lot good did come of that conversation, and I found inspiration for my next article (and hopefully last try at blogging today). We were discussing, 'what type of "study" category we came under -
the study-study category:
(who treat education like their religion and worship it like it were their God)
the study-break-study category:
(who cannot sit for over an hour at a stretch, with their books open)
the study-break-break-study category:
(thats namely my types, who treat education as a punishment, rather than a privilege)

But I soon ran out of categories. As I began to rack my brain a little harder, I was mesmerized by the aroma of prawn chilli fry. Hence, that article too met its untimely end ...

My tummy was now stuffed with a bunch of unlucky prawns, and my 'new blog text box' was still empty. Just as I was about to close the window, the phone rang. It was my friend asking me for some love advice. All who know me, will know very well, that I'm the best advice vending machine ever - especially when its not needed.
(Isn't amazing how you find inspiration in the most unlikely incidents or conversations.)

I began to write about 'seeking advice'. Its not like I've never done it, its just that some people seek advice in such obvious situations, that it makes you want to kill them. Then lightening struck. If my regular troop of advice seeking friends read this article. So that article died on the second line itself.

Then I looked back at the miserable non-productive blog day I had suffered, and I thought it was only fair that the world should know of my suffering.

And hence, this article was born :)
(well I guess you'll must have realized that by now)

I will not blog this September.

2007-09-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

My EXAMS (no that doesn't have a full form, its just that the word 'exam' is so terrifying that I thought it deserved to be written in capital letters) are just around the corner, and I have resolved that for the sake of education, and for the sake of my (not so) bright future, I shall not blog this September..

No matter who forces me, no matter how strong the inspiration, no matter how many comments I am promised, I shall not blog this September.

No matter how bored I am, no matter what my friends do to irritate me, no matter how beautiful the world outside looks, no matter how many important emotions flood my heart and beg of me to translate them into words, I shall not blog this September.

No matter how unreasonable Economics gets, no matter how many accounts problems go un-tallied, no matter how many flop advertising assignments I come up with, no matter how frustrating Business Law gets, no matter how many times I forget the exact number of subjects I have this term, I shall not blog this September.

Of course, you can clearly see that I haven't managed to stick to my resolution, and its only the second day of the month.
Looks like (like it or not), you'll will be reading more of me this September after all..

Acid and Thorns

2007-08-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

A rose would smell,
just as sweet,
called by any other name..
But this young girl,
filled with deceit,
trapped him in,
a dirty game...

His heart she took,
and filled with love,
he promised her the moon,
and stars above..
But he didn't know,
and she wouldn't show,
the horrid scheme,
he'd discover soon...

And night and day,
she plotted and planned,
and with his fortune,
now close at hand,
She took it all,
and ran away,
his true love for her,
she did betray...

Before his eyes,
the puzzle set,
every loving moment,
reduced to regret..
His heart now frozen,
turned to ice,
It was her time,
to pay the price..

On a lonely road,
her mansion stood,
with beautiful roses,
carved in wood..
On the doors that rose,
standing ever so tall,
between him and the one,
who led to his fall..

She opened them wide,
those pretty eyes,
Stared back at him in,
shock and surprise..
The potion he threw,
stung her gorgeous face,
leaving her without,
any beauty or grace...

The rain tried hard,
to wash his sin,
but his soul lay crushed,
deep within..
Nobody knows,
where he might have gone,
but he ensured,
no other man be hurt,
by the same thorn...

When boredom struck..

2007-08-27T07:39:00.001-07:00

When boredom struck,
I attacked the Spartans,
With swords and arrows,
And mom's special muffins..

When boredom struck,
I brought the Dead Sea to life,
And stabbed it to death,
With an Egyptian knife..

When boredom struck,
I stole Cleopatra's cat,
And stuffed her with fish,
Fed her to my pet rat..

When boredom struck,
I counted the stars,
Had to begin all over,
Since I'd included Mars..

When boredom struck,
I decided to blog,
And fooled people into thinking,
That this last line would actually rhyme...

How to mess up a Sunday morning

2007-08-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

- Wake up at eight minutes to six, so that you miss the six a.m. mass.

- Go back to sleep and wake up at ten minutes to eight, so that you miss the eight a.m. mass too.

- Wake up eventually at eight, and start preparing for mass in dead earnest.

- Rummage among tonnes of clothes in the cupboard.

- Decide what to wear by eight fifteen.

- Keep bath water to heat on the gas.

- Forget about the water and watch T.V.

- Suddenly remember and switch off the gas, after the water has boiled enough to kill three generations of germs.

- Begin to transport the vessel to the bathroom.

- Use a thin cloth to carry the hot vessel, so your fingers begin to burn by the time your half way through the hall.

- Let the elastic of your pants snap, while you're carrying a vessel of boiling hot water, with the windows open and the lights on.

- Pray that the pants don't fall.

- Reach the bathroom taking small, careful babysteps.

- Realize it is eight forty.

- Run in the bathroom to have a hurried bath.

- Forget soap, run out again to the next bathroom to get soap and run back in to have a hurried bath.

- Finish bathing in a record time of five minutes.

- Turn on the fan to maximum speed, so that you dry off sooner.

- Get an ear ache thanks to the brilliant idea mentioned above.

- Eight fifty, dress up and run to comb hair and brush teeth.

- Search for a wrist watch that actually tells time.

- Two minutes to nine.

- Rush out the door forgetting wind cheater, and house keys.

There you have it, a Sunday morning perfectly ruined.
Feel free to share your experiences in the comments section.
Good day.

Carol finally smiled..

2007-08-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

Sweet teens,
Love and romance,
A new year's party,
The annual dance.
In the far corner,
Sat a pretty girl,
Her eyes so cold,
Her fingers curled.

She saw them dancing,
It broke her heart,
That sight nearly tore
her world apart,
But it wasn't her time,
She had to wait,
Someday he definitely would
ask her out on a date...

As time flew by,
She realized it was too late..
She came to terms,
with her lonely fate..
But then one day,
she received a call..
He asked her out,
three days before fall...

The scene was romantic,
something in the wine..
Made her lose consciousness,
by half past nine..
When she woke up,
at the break of dawn,
She lay alone in bed,
he was long gone..
And then she realized,
what he'd done wrong...

Calls went unanswered,
he was never home..
Always traveling,
from Paris to Rome..
She understood,
he ran from his sin,
And once again hate,
rekindled within...

She wanted justice,
revenge in her head,
But surprisingly,
she sent him roses instead..
With a note,
'your secret admirer',
and an offer,
he'd never deny her..

She summoned demons,
she needed their power..
For it was evil,
she would devour..
Their rendezvous set,
in the dead of night..
Away from civilization,
within demonic sight..

That night he drove so fiercely,
up the castle's stairs he raced..
To meet his secret admirer,
not a moment did he waste..
And as he reached the balcony,
the clouds covered the moon..
The anxious sinner clueless,
his fate to be delivered soon..

And then he saw her,
"What are you doing here?!"
And she sadly whispered,
"Waiting for you dear..
through all the pain,
my heart drowned in tears,
I've been waiting for you,
for quite a few years..."

As the clouds,
slowly did part,
He saw a sight,
that near tore his heart..
Her face was ashen,
silver gray hair,
Her eyes deathly vacant,
without love or care..

He stepped back,
as she stepped forward,
The heart of a lion,
now belonged to a coward...
The moon hid again,
he was surrounded by the dark...
And an eerie silence,
broken by a distant bark..

The next day,
the newspapers read,
'Millionaire's only son,
at castle, found dead',
His life had ended,
as his head met the ground..
Drops of blood,
and glass splinters all around..

Her joy knew no bounds,
her mind was running wild,
After all these years of waiting,
Carol finally smiled..

Crush?

2007-08-17T07:14:00.000-07:00

The Urban Dictionary defines the word "crush" as :
A burning desire to be with someone, who you find very attractive and extremely special.

It also describes the same word as :
The process by which a person is killed when thrown beneath a steam-roller or other placed in between two solid surfaces with force being applied toward him/her that the body cannot withstand.

Many strong believers of crushes may find my conclusion rather alarming and beg to differ, but through true life experiences, and many painful testimonials (from people I'd rather not name, for the sake of my own good health) I've learned that, the first definition of the word 'crush' eventually leads to the second.

Why do we celebrate Independence Day?

2007-08-15T00:41:00.000-07:00

to celebrate hunger
to celebrate malnutrition
to celebrate disease
to celebrate illiteracy
to celebrate dieing farmers
to celebrate water shortage
to celebrate famine
to celebrate floods
to celebrate a degrading government
to celebrate our backward mentality
to celebrate superstitions
to celebrate lack of morals
to celebrate deaths for dowry
to celebrate our women's plight
to celebrate insecurity
to celebrate unnecessary moral policing
to celebrate disguised dictatorship
to celebrate corrupt politicians
to celebrate caste based divisions
to celebrate religious riots
to celebrate inequality
to celebrate terrorism
to celebrate the death of innocents
to celebrate injustice
to celebrate our cowardice
to celebrate hypocrisy
to celebrate denial of our rights
to celebrate a lie called democracy
to celebrate an illusion we call freedom...

In the news (13/08/2007)

2007-08-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

School beats smoking with Power Point:

Smt Sulochanadevi Singhania School, Thane, came up with a creative punishment, for its students, who were caught smoking. The students were first taken to the principal's office, where the school counsellor and a few teachers tried to explain to them, the ill effects of smoking, and how they had broken the school rules. To everyone's surprise, the two made a run for it, and left the school searching high and low, in vain.
Four days later, when they were found in Uttar Pradesh at a boy's grandparent's place, they were rushed back to school and presented before the Director of Education for the school.
The boys were told to prepare two presentations, one about ‘the harms of cigarette smoking’ and the other on ‘running away from home — is it a solution?’ within 3 hours. The boys were allowed to use the school library and the internet.
They would have to present it, before the other students of the school.

The presentations may not help them drop the habit, but it will make sure that they don't get into the habit of getting caught.

Vote for me(at):

Nishikant Patil, NCP candidate for ward number 12, and his brother's chicken shop, have landed in a soup. Coupons were issued to voters to lure in more votes. The coupons had unique colors codes. These coupons could be exchanged for meat at the chicken shop, owned by Patil's brother, after the voter cast his vote in Pat
Green coupon -> One Kg Chicken
Saffron coupon -> Two Kgs Chicken
Yellow coupon -> Three Kgs Chicken
The brothers' unique "votes" for "chicken" plans came to light when Chandrakant Mudras, (Shiv Sena candidate) reported the matter to the election officers and the police.
Both brothers have been detained by the police, and the shop has been sealed.

I bet the chickens enjoyed this the most, since they'll "die another day"...

Tit bits of information:

*Credit Cards to charge higher interest rates, so you better watch that swipe rate, or you'll end up shelling out more than you bargained for.

*Jewellers say "no" to gold hallmarking, reason stated - 'lack of infrastructure', which might be true to a certain extent, but is that the only reason Mr. Jeweler ?

(Hallmarking involves testing articles made of precious metals, and marking them to indicate that they are indeed made with a minimum standard of purity.)

*It seems like justice will not be done, in the Hardeep Kaur case, where the victim and her grandmother were killed by Kulvinder Singh, after Hardeep resisted rape. Her grandmother had tried to save the girl, but in vain.
The court said that, even a double murder committed in a fit of passion, doesn't deserve a death penalty.
If a double murder and rape doesn't get death, what does?

And now, news about me:
The newspaper boy didn't deliver our stack of newspapers today. I guess some higher powers do not agree with my blog, but they can't stop me blogging, can they?

My Favorite Bloggers - Part II

2007-08-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

All the blogs you should read before you leave this planet for good.

hungry-mind.blogspot.com
By Mr. Raghu

I have no clue what his full name is, neither do I know him personally, but "Posted by Raghu" appears faithfully, after each and every article, so I thought it was safe to assume it to be his name.

Now back to business.
Mr. Raghu's articles really manage to grab your attention, and even Godzilla knocking at your window, won't manage distract you. His work truly deserves to be called art, because you can clearly tell, he has put his heart into what he has written.
The only time you will be disappointed at his blog, is when you realize there is no more to read. But don't be disheartened, I'm sure he will be back with yet another amazing contribution to the blog-world, even before you can say "Huntsville".

Don't miss this one!

Insight Out

Dear Author Impersonating A Spanish Tomato,

The Taste of Anything

To arrest without a warrant and with the use of "necessary" force anyone who has committed certain offenses or is suspected of having done so.

Justice - Negotiated, Denied, Postponed & Delivered

The New Patriotism

I am the Cow Whisperer

Tell me, How to do it right?

At the foot of the hill of snow…

Pearly Whites

Was it something I said?

Parents' Favorite - The Blame Game

BSNL 3G - Advertising

Do Drugs make you STUPID?

God's Wicked Neat Sense of Humor

Mumbai Police & Priorities

Omar Abdullah Quits -

The Party Pains of Silver Shell

Men’s Underwear – In Advertising (India)

Iris 2009 - Musical Evening & The Riot Act

The Post-Holi Morning

Building Blocks - Part One

… and single!

My encounter with an overconfident plagiarist - Piyush Tainguriya

High Court arms BMC with a License to Kill

A peaceful candle march

The Terrorist Attacks in Mumbai :|

Be very afraid

Wife’s Rant

Life ÷ New Divider

Dogs and Sucker Fish

The ***k** Up

Destroy Drug Users - Not Drugs (?!)

When complicated days get fun..

PerfSpot

Construction problems

The Smart(?) Vodafone SMS Advertisement

The best thrid person conversation EVER!

Behind the Cloud of Good

The Discouraging Mission

Maharashtra Government finally "relented"

Awkward One

The BMC Torture continues

When the Husbands come down..

Animal Lover Migraine

Face to Face, with the enemy.

Let's torture a dog today..

Friendshipper Series - Chapter 2

Friendshiper Series - Chapter 1

Friendshiper - The Evolution

Resident Evil 2.51384 - Attack of the Kangaroo Nation

Pros of being overweight and staying overweight.

Human emotions aren't property

Why aren't "extra marital affairs" illegal?

Do you think North Indians love to flout laws?

Missing Something, Dear?

The "Sermon" Events

Friend Sandwich

The things people say...

T_T

Pros and Cons - Falling in Love with a Ghost

Agony Aunt Madness

Headphone Addiction

Bad Hair (cut) Day

My Favorite Math Joke

To Nachle or Not To Nachle?

Eat Book!

Global Warming and its effects on Online Romeos

This is Kim's Story

Does your coffee smell funny?

We don't need no EDUCATION!

Preparation Differences: Guys v/s Girls

403 Forbidden My Foot !

Gujarat Riots - Politics at its best

Festive Spirit ?????

The Mani Returns

The yawn test

Some very cute smileys...

Noah's Arc v/s The Titanic

A chat session I would rather not have had..

The *k Up